face down
on the ground
i repent of all my sin
not worthy of
Your grace and mercy
Your forgiveness
or Your love
this frail
tired body
rests
prostrate
on the ground
face down
in my tears
as they
continuously flow
Lord i need You
more than ever
so much aching
in my being
i can't let go
of all this chaos
its all i have to hold on to
so i pray
You'll take it from me
Lord i know
i'm small
and fragile
full of sin
and
full of shame
not good for much
of anything
except for what
You'd have me be
i'm so disgusting
to myself
so ugly
so unkind
so full of sin
i'm dying
so wretched
is this child
So Lord i need you
more than ever
my faith
finds hope in You
And with that hope
i hope to find
that i may love again
Lord I pray now
please take me
this pitiful body
this broken soul
twist it and break it
mold it and make it
what of it You want
i'm Yours forever Yours
Your Kingdom come
Your will be done
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Friday, November 25, 2005
nothing is as it seems
Why does everything have to be so uniformed... so cut a dry... the world is becoming clones... drones...
What is a woman? beautiful, thin... thats what you see on TV and billboards... all over the place
A woman is so much more... determined, comforting, protective, and artist, idealist, tender, understanding, comapssionate...There is NOT one look, but many different combonations to what a woman is and what she lives for, what her passions are. They come in all shapes and sizes, all walks of life, all ages.
What is a friend? someone to hang with on the wkends
A friend is so much more... someone who calls just to hear your voice because they miss you, someone who does what they can to help make your dreams come true, someone who can make you laugh so hard you fall off your chair, some one who shares their heart with you and longs to know yours... No 2 friendships look the same. There is not a formula to follow to get and maintain friends. They can pop up in the most random of places or develope over years.
What is a Christian? someone who goes to church on sunday, reads their bible infront of other people, prays long words prayers...NO!
A Christian is someone who loves GOD, Jesus and longs to have a friendship with Him. To know Him. Someone who loves unconditionally the poor, the wretched, the liars, as well as those in the church that may look down on them. "They will know we are chirstians by our love"
You can know all the logisica, all the steps, but if you leave out the relationship one needs to have with Christ, you miss the whole point. All the bible reading and church going will do nothing for you.
"putting a person in a church makes them no more a Christian than putting a duck in a garage makes it a car."
I was trying to explain that nothing is so uniformed, so structured and identical. The world expects us to be clones. The uniqueness we have is looked down upon and can even ostracize us from certain people. I was and still am having trouble explaining/expressing my thoughts so i asked a good friend (who I swear is my brain twin, luv you Jen) to help me with this.
This is what Jen had to say....
"You're talking about the carbon copy nature of the world. It wants everyone to look and behave the sameway, to seek the exact same thing, to BE the exactsame thing. It is easier for Satan to get us then. Itis like when we are sheep. Most sheep look the same,but when they are sheep saved for a purpose, it islike they are tye-dyed. Or colored different, or theirwool is different. It is how the shepard can tellbetween his and other's sheep. Like a cattle brand. Weare branded, but not identically.One body, many parts. Different functions lookdifferent. If you look at older paintings, the nakedpeople in them are much fuller figured, bordering onwhat this society calls fat. IT IS HEALTHY!!!! Satandrives us to the extremes, either extreme skinninessor extreme obesity. And those of us who fall in themiddle, we are made to feel less because we don't fitthe ideal.
And Christians, well, talk to a Christian in Rwanda,in India, in France, in Brazil. It all looksdifferent. Talk to a believing Catholic, aPentecostal, a Baptist, a non-Denominationalfellowshipper. Different ways of doing the same thing.Words might be fancy, might be plain. Songs might behip-hop happening, or they might be acapella hymns.The building might have a steeple, a storefront,stainglass or a window in a house. Does that changethe nature of what goes on inside?
Labels enslave us. We try to quantify ourselves forour own understanding, and the understanding ofothers.
Read the lyrics of this song, along with the firstchapter of Ephesians, and see if that gives you anyclarity or peace. I am praying for you, I know you arebeing attacked because a doubtful future is a hardplace to be. But you know your ultimate future, andthat is all that matters. It is your refuge, and untilyou can serve as a different function in His kingdom,rest in the knowledge that you are beloved, that Jesus says to his father "I love her, father. She is mine."
My Savior, My God
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at his right hand
Stands one who is my Savior
I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me this I read
And in my heart I find a need
For him to be my Savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God He was, my God He is
My God He's always gonna be
Yes, living, dying; let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God He was, My God He is
My God He's always gonna be
What is a woman? beautiful, thin... thats what you see on TV and billboards... all over the place
A woman is so much more... determined, comforting, protective, and artist, idealist, tender, understanding, comapssionate...There is NOT one look, but many different combonations to what a woman is and what she lives for, what her passions are. They come in all shapes and sizes, all walks of life, all ages.
What is a friend? someone to hang with on the wkends
A friend is so much more... someone who calls just to hear your voice because they miss you, someone who does what they can to help make your dreams come true, someone who can make you laugh so hard you fall off your chair, some one who shares their heart with you and longs to know yours... No 2 friendships look the same. There is not a formula to follow to get and maintain friends. They can pop up in the most random of places or develope over years.
What is a Christian? someone who goes to church on sunday, reads their bible infront of other people, prays long words prayers...NO!
A Christian is someone who loves GOD, Jesus and longs to have a friendship with Him. To know Him. Someone who loves unconditionally the poor, the wretched, the liars, as well as those in the church that may look down on them. "They will know we are chirstians by our love"
You can know all the logisica, all the steps, but if you leave out the relationship one needs to have with Christ, you miss the whole point. All the bible reading and church going will do nothing for you.
"putting a person in a church makes them no more a Christian than putting a duck in a garage makes it a car."
I was trying to explain that nothing is so uniformed, so structured and identical. The world expects us to be clones. The uniqueness we have is looked down upon and can even ostracize us from certain people. I was and still am having trouble explaining/expressing my thoughts so i asked a good friend (who I swear is my brain twin, luv you Jen) to help me with this.
This is what Jen had to say....
"You're talking about the carbon copy nature of the world. It wants everyone to look and behave the sameway, to seek the exact same thing, to BE the exactsame thing. It is easier for Satan to get us then. Itis like when we are sheep. Most sheep look the same,but when they are sheep saved for a purpose, it islike they are tye-dyed. Or colored different, or theirwool is different. It is how the shepard can tellbetween his and other's sheep. Like a cattle brand. Weare branded, but not identically.One body, many parts. Different functions lookdifferent. If you look at older paintings, the nakedpeople in them are much fuller figured, bordering onwhat this society calls fat. IT IS HEALTHY!!!! Satandrives us to the extremes, either extreme skinninessor extreme obesity. And those of us who fall in themiddle, we are made to feel less because we don't fitthe ideal.
And Christians, well, talk to a Christian in Rwanda,in India, in France, in Brazil. It all looksdifferent. Talk to a believing Catholic, aPentecostal, a Baptist, a non-Denominationalfellowshipper. Different ways of doing the same thing.Words might be fancy, might be plain. Songs might behip-hop happening, or they might be acapella hymns.The building might have a steeple, a storefront,stainglass or a window in a house. Does that changethe nature of what goes on inside?
Labels enslave us. We try to quantify ourselves forour own understanding, and the understanding ofothers.
Read the lyrics of this song, along with the firstchapter of Ephesians, and see if that gives you anyclarity or peace. I am praying for you, I know you arebeing attacked because a doubtful future is a hardplace to be. But you know your ultimate future, andthat is all that matters. It is your refuge, and untilyou can serve as a different function in His kingdom,rest in the knowledge that you are beloved, that Jesus says to his father "I love her, father. She is mine."
My Savior, My God
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at his right hand
Stands one who is my Savior
I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me this I read
And in my heart I find a need
For him to be my Savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God He was, my God He is
My God He's always gonna be
Yes, living, dying; let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God He was, My God He is
My God He's always gonna be
Thursday, November 24, 2005
by our love
everyone talks about of love... how we have to show the world love, show them Jesus. I don't see how it is going to make a difference if we bypass our Christain brothers and sisters to show the world... they will witness our actions towards eachother to determine if they will trust us or not. 'actions speak louder than word' its true.
I guess what I am trying to get at is... why don't we take care of our own? Those who are hurting and confused. There are many Christians who have been hurt, are lonely, who need encouragement and challenged, but we, we are too busy with our own lives, with our relationships, with our work, etc. to do anything about it... and sometimes even too busy to be aware there is a problem. So tell me when are we going to wake up and realize there are others in need, other brothers and sisters who we can help, who can inturn help others and so on... its a domino effect. But if we all stay in our little shells, where we are comfortable... no one will be helped, no one will change and no one will pass on the love.
Proverbs 17:17 A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.
Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend.
It is said 'they will know we are Chirstians by our love' ... to our Lord, to the world and to eachother. I challenge you to help those of your brothers and sister who may be wrestling with some hard stuff or having a hard time... I challenge you to love as God loves... try reading 1 Cor 13... and ALL of the Gospels.
Lord, thankyou for pouring down your amazing love on undesering poeple. Open my eyes and my heart to those around me who are hurting and need your love whether they are Christians or not. I pray for unity in the body of Christ, when one hurts we all hurt and we all help to ease the hurting. Help me to be genuine and sincere in all I do. Lord, I pray for passion, dedication and a peaceful heart. Thank you so much for loving me, even though I am unlovable and for continuing to teach me and reveal new things to my heart. I am thankful for a lot of things but most of all for You and the sacrafice You made so I may live and one day be with You, my SAvior, my Father, My Deliverer, my Best Friends. I love You! Thank You!
I guess what I am trying to get at is... why don't we take care of our own? Those who are hurting and confused. There are many Christians who have been hurt, are lonely, who need encouragement and challenged, but we, we are too busy with our own lives, with our relationships, with our work, etc. to do anything about it... and sometimes even too busy to be aware there is a problem. So tell me when are we going to wake up and realize there are others in need, other brothers and sisters who we can help, who can inturn help others and so on... its a domino effect. But if we all stay in our little shells, where we are comfortable... no one will be helped, no one will change and no one will pass on the love.
Proverbs 17:17 A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.
Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend.
It is said 'they will know we are Chirstians by our love' ... to our Lord, to the world and to eachother. I challenge you to help those of your brothers and sister who may be wrestling with some hard stuff or having a hard time... I challenge you to love as God loves... try reading 1 Cor 13... and ALL of the Gospels.
Lord, thankyou for pouring down your amazing love on undesering poeple. Open my eyes and my heart to those around me who are hurting and need your love whether they are Christians or not. I pray for unity in the body of Christ, when one hurts we all hurt and we all help to ease the hurting. Help me to be genuine and sincere in all I do. Lord, I pray for passion, dedication and a peaceful heart. Thank you so much for loving me, even though I am unlovable and for continuing to teach me and reveal new things to my heart. I am thankful for a lot of things but most of all for You and the sacrafice You made so I may live and one day be with You, my SAvior, my Father, My Deliverer, my Best Friends. I love You! Thank You!
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
learning to trust - thanks joelie
i am thinking my problem is that I have too much time on my hands. I am not being challenged so my mind wanders. my job is so boring, and easy that i find myself day dreaming a lot. sometimes while i am day dreaming i pick up some of satans lies and toss them around with out really knowing what i am doing.
Idles minds... what is it they say about idle minds?
anyway joelie and I had a bit of a disagreement last night about my intellegence level... I do not give myself much credit, mainly because i do not think i deserve it. I told him i was dumb and he came back saying i was no dumber than him... Which i disagree with because joelie is VERY intelligent. I think Joelie is one of the most brilliant people i know.
when i first met him we were in bible study together, back in those days (last year), he was very quiet. he never said anything unless it had meaning to what we were discussing... he was very intimadating back then...
all i know is i really look up to and respect joel a lot... he is one of my very best of friends. and i trust him completely, so i should trust that when he tells me i am smart its true. well, i believe he thinks i am smart... its a step in the right direction... isn't it?
I feel lost
trying to hold on
hold on to the few things
i know are certain
so much chaos
everything seems unstable
stop the merry-go-round
i want to get off
i heard this song on the radio coming home from work and it made me smile.
Beautiful
by Christina Aguilera
Don't look at me
Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today
To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...
No matter what we do (no matter what we do)
No matter what they say (no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay
And everywhere we go (everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine (sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times
'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today Don't you bring me down today
Idles minds... what is it they say about idle minds?
anyway joelie and I had a bit of a disagreement last night about my intellegence level... I do not give myself much credit, mainly because i do not think i deserve it. I told him i was dumb and he came back saying i was no dumber than him... Which i disagree with because joelie is VERY intelligent. I think Joelie is one of the most brilliant people i know.
when i first met him we were in bible study together, back in those days (last year), he was very quiet. he never said anything unless it had meaning to what we were discussing... he was very intimadating back then...
all i know is i really look up to and respect joel a lot... he is one of my very best of friends. and i trust him completely, so i should trust that when he tells me i am smart its true. well, i believe he thinks i am smart... its a step in the right direction... isn't it?
I feel lost
trying to hold on
hold on to the few things
i know are certain
so much chaos
everything seems unstable
stop the merry-go-round
i want to get off
i heard this song on the radio coming home from work and it made me smile.
Beautiful
by Christina Aguilera
Don't look at me
Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today
To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is
You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...
No matter what we do (no matter what we do)
No matter what they say (no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay
And everywhere we go (everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine (sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times
'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today Don't you bring me down today
Monday, November 21, 2005
not you again
who do you think you are
you think you have all the answers
you think you have it all together
but i know you better
i know you are broken inside
ready to crumble down
and cry
at any moment
you pretend to be so strong
so confident
so no one will know you are
feeble, fragile
you don't know what to do
there are so many senerios rolling around in our head
where does your future lie?
i do not know
but i do know you are frightened
not knowing where to go
or what the next step is
you think your so smart
you think you can manipulate me
into feeling something i don't
and push me around
telling me what i need to do
because you don't have a handle on your life
you think you can control mine???
your so pathetic
you can never do anything
step out in faith and see what happens
why are you so scared
to trust the One who cares
more for you than
anyone else ever could
I screamed this all
crying, tears streaming
I screamed so loud
into the mirror
by ME (Krista Joy)
you think you have all the answers
you think you have it all together
but i know you better
i know you are broken inside
ready to crumble down
and cry
at any moment
you pretend to be so strong
so confident
so no one will know you are
feeble, fragile
you don't know what to do
there are so many senerios rolling around in our head
where does your future lie?
i do not know
but i do know you are frightened
not knowing where to go
or what the next step is
you think your so smart
you think you can manipulate me
into feeling something i don't
and push me around
telling me what i need to do
because you don't have a handle on your life
you think you can control mine???
your so pathetic
you can never do anything
step out in faith and see what happens
why are you so scared
to trust the One who cares
more for you than
anyone else ever could
I screamed this all
crying, tears streaming
I screamed so loud
into the mirror
by ME (Krista Joy)
Friday, November 18, 2005
To realize
The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.
To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newlyDivorced couple.
To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who Has failed a final exam.
To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to A premature baby.
To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.
To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person Who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person Who has survived an accident.
To realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics
Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
(i got this in an email from JAK)
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.
To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newlyDivorced couple.
To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.
To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who Has failed a final exam.
To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to A premature baby.
To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.
To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person Who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person Who has survived an accident.
To realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics
Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.
(i got this in an email from JAK)
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind
so the first two come easy for me... i can trust with my heart and my soul... but my mind wonders way too much... I have not been trusting God with my mind and that has been effecting everything else.
Satan puts the lies in my head, but it is I who take them and run with them, twisting them and end up believing them. It is I who am to blame for not putting my total trust and faith in God. It is very difficult to do. I never realized how much i like to know the next step. I am pretty laid back and most things i can flow with, but this for some reason gets under my skin. Why is it so hard to trust with this?
Maybe its because I want it so badly, maybe its because I have always known in the past the next step, maybe its because I am weak.
Lord I am sorryfo not trusting you... I wish i could say from here on I will, but that would be a lie. I wish I could, I do want to, but I need Your help. I can not fight this on my own. The battle belongs to you... i give you that and all I am and all i will be. and as much as i hate asking for this, please grant me patience.
Satan puts the lies in my head, but it is I who take them and run with them, twisting them and end up believing them. It is I who am to blame for not putting my total trust and faith in God. It is very difficult to do. I never realized how much i like to know the next step. I am pretty laid back and most things i can flow with, but this for some reason gets under my skin. Why is it so hard to trust with this?
Maybe its because I want it so badly, maybe its because I have always known in the past the next step, maybe its because I am weak.
Lord I am sorryfo not trusting you... I wish i could say from here on I will, but that would be a lie. I wish I could, I do want to, but I need Your help. I can not fight this on my own. The battle belongs to you... i give you that and all I am and all i will be. and as much as i hate asking for this, please grant me patience.
am i ... more than useless?
so i found out yesterday that i did NOT get the job at AIP... the job i thought was so perfesct and really wanted... the first job i really really wanted... so now... i got nothing. no one is willing to hire me bc i don't have experience, but how am I to get experience with out a job!
anyway, feeling like a failure. still not sure what i want to do with my life. but i guess we'll see....eventually. God, can u let me in on my life... i am starting to get discouraged.
We'll see what developes in the next few wks...
anyway, feeling like a failure. still not sure what i want to do with my life. but i guess we'll see....eventually. God, can u let me in on my life... i am starting to get discouraged.
We'll see what developes in the next few wks...
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
matters i know nothing of
troubled
discontent
whats wrong with me?
i keep pushing away
i feel lonely
i am not alone
but i am afraid of you
not alone
don't get me wrong
Christ is here
He's standing strong
I know because i can feel His presence
always there
guiding me
comforting me
but fear rises still
up through me
afraid
of what?
i don't know
do i dare ask
i
am
willing
willing to take the steps i need to take
but no further than i must go
frightened
of the future
of
what role you play
how can i
be of assistance
pushing you closer to your dream
without pushing you further away
you see,
I am safe
just me and God
I know He will not hurt me
and
when I hurt Him
and i know I do often
I know His grace
I know His mercy
I know His love
I know his forgiveness
for me
it is insane
but
its real
why would anyone love me?
how could anyone love me?
All i know is Jesus does
genuinly loves me
He created me to love me
and so I might love Him
adding you into the picture
is hard to imagine
its not safe
i will hurt you
i don't want to hurt you ever
its just that
it inevitable
its what i do
i don't want to
so i sit here aching
wishing i was more than what i am
while being content with all i am at the same time
i don't understand me
no one does, well
maybe One
all i know is
you deserve the best
and i, sir, am nothing close
i am
HOPELESSLY
flawed
my prayers go with you
wherever Our Father takes you
as well as my encourage ment and support
You are an amazing person
I know He has BIG plans
and will lead you to do GREAT things
I love you!
i'm sorry
discontent
whats wrong with me?
i keep pushing away
i feel lonely
i am not alone
but i am afraid of you
not alone
don't get me wrong
Christ is here
He's standing strong
I know because i can feel His presence
always there
guiding me
comforting me
but fear rises still
up through me
afraid
of what?
i don't know
do i dare ask
i
am
willing
willing to take the steps i need to take
but no further than i must go
frightened
of the future
of
what role you play
how can i
be of assistance
pushing you closer to your dream
without pushing you further away
you see,
I am safe
just me and God
I know He will not hurt me
and
when I hurt Him
and i know I do often
I know His grace
I know His mercy
I know His love
I know his forgiveness
for me
it is insane
but
its real
why would anyone love me?
how could anyone love me?
All i know is Jesus does
genuinly loves me
He created me to love me
and so I might love Him
adding you into the picture
is hard to imagine
its not safe
i will hurt you
i don't want to hurt you ever
its just that
it inevitable
its what i do
i don't want to
so i sit here aching
wishing i was more than what i am
while being content with all i am at the same time
i don't understand me
no one does, well
maybe One
all i know is
you deserve the best
and i, sir, am nothing close
i am
HOPELESSLY
flawed
my prayers go with you
wherever Our Father takes you
as well as my encourage ment and support
You are an amazing person
I know He has BIG plans
and will lead you to do GREAT things
I love you!
i'm sorry
Monday, November 07, 2005
feeling weak
i got a call exactly a wk ago tonight from AIP about a job and went in the next night for an interview. I was told i would hear back by today, but i have yet to hear anything. I am really trying not to feel like a failure.
I really want this job. (*sigh)
Lord, Please grant me patience, for mine is wearing thin. Please show me where it is you want me. I long to know where it is youa re taking me. If it is not yet time for me to knw, please grant me comfort in Your arms and help me to be content in my waiting.
The thing I desire most is to be close to You.
I really want this job. (*sigh)
Lord, Please grant me patience, for mine is wearing thin. Please show me where it is you want me. I long to know where it is youa re taking me. If it is not yet time for me to knw, please grant me comfort in Your arms and help me to be content in my waiting.
The thing I desire most is to be close to You.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
make me pure
The heart of a woman should be so close to the heart of God that a man has to search God's heart to find it.
Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my thoughts; and see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.Psalm 139: 23,24
Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my thoughts; and see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.Psalm 139: 23,24
not sure where this is going...
i am not sure where this entry will end up... i have so many thoughts racing around in my head. I am going to start off with: romantic relationships tend to urk me. so many people get into them bc its the thing to do and no one wants to be alone and blah blah blah.... they make me want to hurl sometimes.... plus i lose friends. especially my guy friends. not that they get too wrapped up in their girlfriends (although that can be a problem). its more that i feel i can no longer be myself around them, i have to be careful not to offend their 'better half'.
i was out with some of the girls tonight and honestly i get a little tired of talking about boys. a few of the girls are in their mid to late 20s and feel as though they will self combust (or something) if they don't find someone soon... then i have other friends in their late 20s early 30s who are so focused on God that the whole guy thing is out of their relm of thinking.... for the most part. thats how i want to be, so focused on God that if/when He decides i am ready for prince charming i am there, actively waiting. But if I never meet anyone its ok too, i am not dwelling and pining for something that is not meant to be.
i wish everyone could look at everyone else as brothers and sisters, encouraging and uplifting eachother to reach their goals and make their dreams come true... instead of seeing each other as potential marrage material or even worse, Mr/Mrs right now... someone, anyone who makes them feel good at the moment.
for the first time in my life i can see myself becoming a career woman and not being a house wife... ever. i mean its not totally out of the question, but i do not think it is a staple in my life goals. Plus I have HUGE doubts that anyone would ever actually want to be with me til death do us part. I can be quite difficult.
from there i will go into self worth. i am secure in Christ, but once you place me in the 'real world' i lose that confidence a little. If i did not have God i would be a mess. the standards for a beautiful woman in america are *thin *good skin *tame hair (usually straight) *white teeth *practically hairless and those are just the name a few... and out of that list i fail them all... I am a big girl with acne and frizzy hair, bc my ansestors were italian i am also hairy and i have never bleeched my teeth which are not so perfectly white. I meet non of the standards... will anyone ever find me atractive? i doubt it.
i do however, fit in perfectly with Jesus Christ. He loved the outcasts and befriended the lowly and akward. "I am a sinner saved by grace and thats all that i could ever hope to be", "by the grace of God I am who I am"
and who am I? I am someone head over heals inlove with Christ, here on earth to serve.... YOU!
I am nothing, this world has, could and will someday survive without me. I only hope to be in the will of Christ with every step I take. If that means I never meet someone, so be it. Jesus is more important to me than my selfish, to have someone.
Christ my life is Yours, YOu know that... Whatever happens, I pray it is what You desire, not me. BC my desires are of the world and Yours are above the world.
i was out with some of the girls tonight and honestly i get a little tired of talking about boys. a few of the girls are in their mid to late 20s and feel as though they will self combust (or something) if they don't find someone soon... then i have other friends in their late 20s early 30s who are so focused on God that the whole guy thing is out of their relm of thinking.... for the most part. thats how i want to be, so focused on God that if/when He decides i am ready for prince charming i am there, actively waiting. But if I never meet anyone its ok too, i am not dwelling and pining for something that is not meant to be.
i wish everyone could look at everyone else as brothers and sisters, encouraging and uplifting eachother to reach their goals and make their dreams come true... instead of seeing each other as potential marrage material or even worse, Mr/Mrs right now... someone, anyone who makes them feel good at the moment.
for the first time in my life i can see myself becoming a career woman and not being a house wife... ever. i mean its not totally out of the question, but i do not think it is a staple in my life goals. Plus I have HUGE doubts that anyone would ever actually want to be with me til death do us part. I can be quite difficult.
from there i will go into self worth. i am secure in Christ, but once you place me in the 'real world' i lose that confidence a little. If i did not have God i would be a mess. the standards for a beautiful woman in america are *thin *good skin *tame hair (usually straight) *white teeth *practically hairless and those are just the name a few... and out of that list i fail them all... I am a big girl with acne and frizzy hair, bc my ansestors were italian i am also hairy and i have never bleeched my teeth which are not so perfectly white. I meet non of the standards... will anyone ever find me atractive? i doubt it.
i do however, fit in perfectly with Jesus Christ. He loved the outcasts and befriended the lowly and akward. "I am a sinner saved by grace and thats all that i could ever hope to be", "by the grace of God I am who I am"
and who am I? I am someone head over heals inlove with Christ, here on earth to serve.... YOU!
I am nothing, this world has, could and will someday survive without me. I only hope to be in the will of Christ with every step I take. If that means I never meet someone, so be it. Jesus is more important to me than my selfish, to have someone.
Christ my life is Yours, YOu know that... Whatever happens, I pray it is what You desire, not me. BC my desires are of the world and Yours are above the world.