rebecca says it best...

Forgive Me

~Rebecca St James~

For all the times I’ve failed You, Lord

Forgive me

For all the ways I’ve fallen short

Lord, forgive me now

God, I’m so in need of grace

I fall upon my face

Forgive me

You see the tears fall down my face

Forgive me

Take my fear, Lord, take my shame

Lord, forgive me now

Purify me, make me new

Like only You can do

Forgive me now

Lord, we come to honor You

We are forgiven

We bring our love and thanks to You

We are forgiven now

God we praise You for Your grace

Before You we are raised

Forgiven

God we praise You for Your grace

Before You we are raised

Forgiven

Forgiven

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Can Trust You

~Rebecca St.James~

Yes, I know that You have paved a path for me

Yes, I know that You see what I do and don’t need

But when it comes to the deepest things

I have a hard time relinquishing control

Letting go

God, it hurts to give You what I must lay down

But when I let go, freedom’s found

God, it hurts to give You what I’ve held so dear

Because of Your love it’s clear

I can trust You with this

I can trust You with me

I can trust You

Lord, I know that You are worthy of my trust

For You have shown me time and time again

You’re faithful and yet

I’m so scared of letting go of this

Afraid of what You might do with it

How could I forget who You are like this

Me forsaking

Heart is breaking

I let go of what I’ve held so tight

Freedom’s mine now

For the taking

I move in faith, not by sight

Let Your will be done

next step / i can see it in your eyes

next step
by me

i'm taking the next step
it scares me to death
you push and u pull me along
i'm scared out of my skin
but i follow
always following you
because you are the one
who has never let me down
you are the only one
who knows where they are going
so willingly i let you
pull and push me along
walking with you is the most
beautiful experience i have ever had
so i am taking my next step
stepping out in faith
where we will wind up
i don't know
all i know
is i have to take this next step
with you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i can see it in your eyes
by me

i know i am beautiful
in your eyes
i know you see the best in me
you love me
your love surrounds me
your love sets me free
i let go of all my worries
i let go of my baggages
my bruises and brokeness
i am all yours
may i never doubt your love
it is the only place i am safe
knowing you are with me
nothing can take you away
and better yet
you'd never leave
because you love me!
higher than the heavens
and deeper than the deepest waters
out to eternity and back again
i am truely blessed to know such a love
as this
YOU LOVE ME!
i see it in your eyes
and that makes me smile

empty

i need you
my heart is broken
i feel like someone stole my soul
i feel hollow inside
a mere shell
of what i used to be
i am alone in my thinking
in my being
Lord, i need you more than ever
hold me as i shake and shiver
and brake before You
listen to each tear that falls
each sob
feel each quiver

so much negativity
all around me
i hate it
it reaches into my pores
and pulls out the worst in me

i can never do anything right
how can anyone love someone like me
i screw everything up
i can't do anything right

i disgust myself
how do i get free
i feel bound
tied down
held back
i can barely move
i need You
I need You to free me
from this pain
from my sin

i am nothing
i am wretched
i am evil
i am broken before You
Praising Your name
I love You
I do not deserve You
but i do need You

I try to do what is right
but i feel hands pulling me down
holding me on the ground
not letting me up
i can't fight them any more
i can't fight alone

Lord I praise You
for I know You are King
i know You have saved me
I know You love me
this undeserving mass
i know you will help me
Lord, please i beg You
Please

Lord, I need You more than ever
I am broken before You tonight
the pieces that are left of me
are scattered on the floor
this wretched soul is only one
a Father can love
no one else

SURPRISE!

so i got the most wonderful surprise tonight. this wk has been insanly crazy, it has been hard to think straight. i was meeting up with seth to go see narnia. 6:56pm seth calls and asks where i am and i feel bad telling him i am running late, he said "we" were going to get something to eat.. as in him and his friends. I thought cool i get to meet knew people, i love new friends... i get there after 10-15 min and i walk up to the theater and i see none other than Niki mort inside... i almost fell over myself. I was so excited! it never crassed my mind she might be the friend bc she is supposed to be in clarion... i also got bonus, nikis fiance greg. 3 AMAzing friends in one night! unbelieveable. i barely knew what to do with myself. to top it off as i was driving home i was listening to my voice mail and got an amazingly sweet mess from my favorite toe hugger ever! mandy i love you girl! what an awesome ending to an insanly hectic wk.
Lord, Thank you for blessing me with such awesome friends.

PS - GO SEE NARNIA! it is an awesome movie.

love don't come easy

This is for all my girls who think they HAVE TO find prince charming or they'll "just die!" Give it time, trust in God and someday He will bring you ur prince charming... and he will be more amazing than you may be able to imagine. Do not let go of your standards to be with mr. right now, wait for your soul mate... i have been waiting 23 years... and no prospects yet. Although some of my friends think it impossible for me to remain single forever, i find it easier to believe everyday.

for my girls... and my guys too...

You Can't Hurry Love
by The Supremes

I need love, love
To ease my mind
I need to find, find someone to call mine
But mama said

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
You got to trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes

But how many heartaches
Must I stand before I find a love
To let me live again
Right now the only thing
That keeps me hangin' on
When I feel my strength, yeah
It's almost gone
I remember mama said:

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take

How long must I wait
How much more can I take
Before loneliness will cause my heart
Heart to break?

No I can't bear to live my life alone
I grow impatient for a love to call my own
But when I feel that I, I can't go on
These precious words keeps me hangin' on
I remember mama said:

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes

No, love, love, don't come easy
But I keep on waiting
Anticipating for that soft voice
To talk to me at night
For some tender arms
To hold me tight
I keep waiting
I keep on waiting
But it ain't easy
It ain't easy
But mama said:

You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
She said to trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes
You can't hurry love

No, you just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take

friendship no longer debated

something a friend of mine said to me this past wkend has been dancing in my head. we debate quite frequently our friendship. I absolutly love this person and i know he love me, but he does not understand why i consider him a friend. he tends to have poor self esteem.
this is what i have to say to all his doubts: a friend is more than doing... a friend is also and mostly being. someone who is there for you, someone who will talk to you when you need it, for 6 min or 6 hrs. or just be there with you w/o saying a word, just showing their support. someone who you enjoy spending time with and who enjoys spending time with you. friends don't have to do anything, they just have to be. be there for eachother, be supportive of one another, be able to love and be loved... etc.
although a result of being a friend most of the time is that you want to do things for those you love and cherish, it is not the reason you are friends in the first place.
Please know I love you, I love all my friends.

This baby would one day save me

"I Celebrate The Day"

by Relient K

And with this Christmas wish is missed

The point I could convey

If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life

Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve

And from a lack of my persistency

We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time

That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior

And the first breath that left Your lips

Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years

To what this midnight made so clear

That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that

This baby would one day save me

In the hope that what You did

That you were born so I might live

To look back and think that

This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day

That You were born to die

So I could one day pray for You to save my life

who me ... a princess...?

i was talking to my friend Gina a few nights ago, I love that girl! we talked about a great many things, but one thing i stuggle with, and will continue to struggle with is, well... she said i am a princess. I have heard that before and it sounds nice, all girls are pincesses and deserve to be treated as such. Well, i have a rough time with this... i don't like to be waited on and buy stuff to make myself feel good. that stuff is what frusterates me later. so i ask you (those of you who read my blog, if anyone does) what does it mean to be a princess? is it enoying being waited one hand and foot, buying whatever u want, haveing people adore u? or is there something more something different?

What does it mean to be Gods princess? what does that look like?

pain

face down
on the ground
i repent of all my sin

not worthy of
Your grace and mercy
Your forgiveness
or Your love

this frail
tired body
rests
prostrate
on the ground
face down
in my tears
as they
continuously flow

Lord i need You
more than ever
so much aching
in my being
i can't let go
of all this chaos
its all i have to hold on to
so i pray
You'll take it from me

Lord i know
i'm small
and fragile
full of sin
and
full of shame

not good for much
of anything
except for what
You'd have me be

i'm so disgusting
to myself
so ugly
so unkind
so full of sin
i'm dying
so wretched
is this child

So Lord i need you
more than ever
my faith
finds hope in You
And with that hope
i hope to find
that i may love again

Lord I pray now
please take me
this pitiful body
this broken soul
twist it and break it
mold it and make it
what of it You want

i'm Yours forever Yours
Your Kingdom come
Your will be done

nothing is as it seems

Why does everything have to be so uniformed... so cut a dry... the world is becoming clones... drones...

What is a woman? beautiful, thin... thats what you see on TV and billboards... all over the place

A woman is so much more... determined, comforting, protective, and artist, idealist, tender, understanding, comapssionate...There is NOT one look, but many different combonations to what a woman is and what she lives for, what her passions are. They come in all shapes and sizes, all walks of life, all ages.

What is a friend? someone to hang with on the wkends

A friend is so much more... someone who calls just to hear your voice because they miss you, someone who does what they can to help make your dreams come true, someone who can make you laugh so hard you fall off your chair, some one who shares their heart with you and longs to know yours... No 2 friendships look the same. There is not a formula to follow to get and maintain friends. They can pop up in the most random of places or develope over years.

What is a Christian? someone who goes to church on sunday, reads their bible infront of other people, prays long words prayers...NO!

A Christian is someone who loves GOD, Jesus and longs to have a friendship with Him. To know Him. Someone who loves unconditionally the poor, the wretched, the liars, as well as those in the church that may look down on them. "They will know we are chirstians by our love"
You can know all the logisica, all the steps, but if you leave out the relationship one needs to have with Christ, you miss the whole point. All the bible reading and church going will do nothing for you.
"putting a person in a church makes them no more a Christian than putting a duck in a garage makes it a car."


I was trying to explain that nothing is so uniformed, so structured and identical. The world expects us to be clones. The uniqueness we have is looked down upon and can even ostracize us from certain people. I was and still am having trouble explaining/expressing my thoughts so i asked a good friend (who I swear is my brain twin, luv you Jen) to help me with this.
This is what Jen had to say....

"You're talking about the carbon copy nature of the world. It wants everyone to look and behave the sameway, to seek the exact same thing, to BE the exactsame thing. It is easier for Satan to get us then. Itis like when we are sheep. Most sheep look the same,but when they are sheep saved for a purpose, it islike they are tye-dyed. Or colored different, or theirwool is different. It is how the shepard can tellbetween his and other's sheep. Like a cattle brand. Weare branded, but not identically.One body, many parts. Different functions lookdifferent. If you look at older paintings, the nakedpeople in them are much fuller figured, bordering onwhat this society calls fat. IT IS HEALTHY!!!! Satandrives us to the extremes, either extreme skinninessor extreme obesity. And those of us who fall in themiddle, we are made to feel less because we don't fitthe ideal.

And Christians, well, talk to a Christian in Rwanda,in India, in France, in Brazil. It all looksdifferent. Talk to a believing Catholic, aPentecostal, a Baptist, a non-Denominationalfellowshipper. Different ways of doing the same thing.Words might be fancy, might be plain. Songs might behip-hop happening, or they might be acapella hymns.The building might have a steeple, a storefront,stainglass or a window in a house. Does that changethe nature of what goes on inside?

Labels enslave us. We try to quantify ourselves forour own understanding, and the understanding ofothers.

Read the lyrics of this song, along with the firstchapter of Ephesians, and see if that gives you anyclarity or peace. I am praying for you, I know you arebeing attacked because a doubtful future is a hardplace to be. But you know your ultimate future, andthat is all that matters. It is your refuge, and untilyou can serve as a different function in His kingdom,rest in the knowledge that you are beloved, that Jesus says to his father "I love her, father. She is mine."

My Savior, My God

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at his right hand
Stands one who is my Savior

I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me this I read
And in my heart I find a need
For him to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God He was, my God He is
My God He's always gonna be

Yes, living, dying; let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior

My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God He was, My God He is
My God He's always gonna be

by our love

everyone talks about of love... how we have to show the world love, show them Jesus. I don't see how it is going to make a difference if we bypass our Christain brothers and sisters to show the world... they will witness our actions towards eachother to determine if they will trust us or not. 'actions speak louder than word' its true.
I guess what I am trying to get at is... why don't we take care of our own? Those who are hurting and confused. There are many Christians who have been hurt, are lonely, who need encouragement and challenged, but we, we are too busy with our own lives, with our relationships, with our work, etc. to do anything about it... and sometimes even too busy to be aware there is a problem. So tell me when are we going to wake up and realize there are others in need, other brothers and sisters who we can help, who can inturn help others and so on... its a domino effect. But if we all stay in our little shells, where we are comfortable... no one will be helped, no one will change and no one will pass on the love.
Proverbs 17:17 A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.
Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend.

It is said 'they will know we are Chirstians by our love' ... to our Lord, to the world and to eachother. I challenge you to help those of your brothers and sister who may be wrestling with some hard stuff or having a hard time... I challenge you to love as God loves... try reading 1 Cor 13... and ALL of the Gospels.

Lord, thankyou for pouring down your amazing love on undesering poeple. Open my eyes and my heart to those around me who are hurting and need your love whether they are Christians or not. I pray for unity in the body of Christ, when one hurts we all hurt and we all help to ease the hurting. Help me to be genuine and sincere in all I do. Lord, I pray for passion, dedication and a peaceful heart. Thank you so much for loving me, even though I am unlovable and for continuing to teach me and reveal new things to my heart. I am thankful for a lot of things but most of all for You and the sacrafice You made so I may live and one day be with You, my SAvior, my Father, My Deliverer, my Best Friends. I love You! Thank You!

learning to trust - thanks joelie

i am thinking my problem is that I have too much time on my hands. I am not being challenged so my mind wanders. my job is so boring, and easy that i find myself day dreaming a lot. sometimes while i am day dreaming i pick up some of satans lies and toss them around with out really knowing what i am doing.

Idles minds... what is it they say about idle minds?

anyway joelie and I had a bit of a disagreement last night about my intellegence level... I do not give myself much credit, mainly because i do not think i deserve it. I told him i was dumb and he came back saying i was no dumber than him... Which i disagree with because joelie is VERY intelligent. I think Joelie is one of the most brilliant people i know.
when i first met him we were in bible study together, back in those days (last year), he was very quiet. he never said anything unless it had meaning to what we were discussing... he was very intimadating back then...

all i know is i really look up to and respect joel a lot... he is one of my very best of friends. and i trust him completely, so i should trust that when he tells me i am smart its true. well, i believe he thinks i am smart... its a step in the right direction... isn't it?

I feel lost
trying to hold on
hold on to the few things
i know are certain
so much chaos
everything seems unstable
stop the merry-go-round
i want to get off

i heard this song on the radio coming home from work and it made me smile.

Beautiful
by Christina Aguilera

Don't look at me

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
Don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do (no matter what we do)
No matter what they say (no matter what they say)
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay

And everywhere we go (everywhere we go)
The sun won't always shine (sun won't always shine)
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today Don't you bring me down today

not you again

who do you think you are
you think you have all the answers
you think you have it all together
but i know you better
i know you are broken inside
ready to crumble down
and cry
at any moment

you pretend to be so strong
so confident
so no one will know you are
feeble, fragile
you don't know what to do

there are so many senerios rolling around in our head
where does your future lie?
i do not know
but i do know you are frightened
not knowing where to go
or what the next step is

you think your so smart
you think you can manipulate me
into feeling something i don't
and push me around
telling me what i need to do
because you don't have a handle on your life
you think you can control mine???

your so pathetic
you can never do anything
step out in faith and see what happens
why are you so scared
to trust the One who cares
more for you than
anyone else ever could

I screamed this all
crying, tears streaming
I screamed so loud
into the mirror


by ME (Krista Joy)

To realize

The value of a sister
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newlyDivorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother who has given birth to A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one hour:
Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one-second:
Ask a person Who has survived an accident.

To realize
The value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics

Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have. You will treasure it even more when you can share it with someone special.

(i got this in an email from JAK)

Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind

so the first two come easy for me... i can trust with my heart and my soul... but my mind wonders way too much... I have not been trusting God with my mind and that has been effecting everything else.
Satan puts the lies in my head, but it is I who take them and run with them, twisting them and end up believing them. It is I who am to blame for not putting my total trust and faith in God. It is very difficult to do. I never realized how much i like to know the next step. I am pretty laid back and most things i can flow with, but this for some reason gets under my skin. Why is it so hard to trust with this?

Maybe its because I want it so badly, maybe its because I have always known in the past the next step, maybe its because I am weak.

Lord I am sorryfo not trusting you... I wish i could say from here on I will, but that would be a lie. I wish I could, I do want to, but I need Your help. I can not fight this on my own. The battle belongs to you... i give you that and all I am and all i will be. and as much as i hate asking for this, please grant me patience.

am i ... more than useless?

so i found out yesterday that i did NOT get the job at AIP... the job i thought was so perfesct and really wanted... the first job i really really wanted... so now... i got nothing. no one is willing to hire me bc i don't have experience, but how am I to get experience with out a job!

anyway, feeling like a failure. still not sure what i want to do with my life. but i guess we'll see....eventually. God, can u let me in on my life... i am starting to get discouraged.

We'll see what developes in the next few wks...

matters i know nothing of

troubled


discontent



whats wrong with me?
i keep pushing away
i feel lonely

i am not alone

but i am afraid of you
not alone
don't get me wrong
Christ is here
He's standing strong

I know because i can feel His presence
always there
guiding me
comforting me

but fear rises still
up through me
afraid
of what?
i don't know
do i dare ask

i
am
willing

willing to take the steps i need to take
but no further than i must go

frightened
of the future
of
what role you play

how can i
be of assistance
pushing you closer to your dream
without pushing you further away

you see,
I am safe
just me and God
I know He will not hurt me
and
when I hurt Him
and i know I do often
I know His grace
I know His mercy
I know His love
I know his forgiveness
for me

it is insane
but
its real

why would anyone love me?
how could anyone love me?

All i know is Jesus does
genuinly loves me
He created me to love me
and so I might love Him

adding you into the picture

is hard to imagine

its not safe
i will hurt you
i don't want to hurt you ever

its just that
it inevitable
its what i do

i don't want to

so i sit here aching
wishing i was more than what i am
while being content with all i am at the same time

i don't understand me
no one does, well
maybe One

all i know is
you deserve the best
and i, sir, am nothing close
i am
HOPELESSLY
flawed

my prayers go with you
wherever Our Father takes you
as well as my encourage ment and support

You are an amazing person
I know He has BIG plans
and will lead you to do GREAT things


I love you!


i'm sorry

feeling weak

i got a call exactly a wk ago tonight from AIP about a job and went in the next night for an interview. I was told i would hear back by today, but i have yet to hear anything. I am really trying not to feel like a failure.
I really want this job. (*sigh)

Lord, Please grant me patience, for mine is wearing thin. Please show me where it is you want me. I long to know where it is youa re taking me. If it is not yet time for me to knw, please grant me comfort in Your arms and help me to be content in my waiting.

The thing I desire most is to be close to You.

make me pure

The heart of a woman should be so close to the heart of God that a man has to search God's heart to find it.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my thoughts; and see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.Psalm 139: 23,24

not sure where this is going...

i am not sure where this entry will end up... i have so many thoughts racing around in my head. I am going to start off with: romantic relationships tend to urk me. so many people get into them bc its the thing to do and no one wants to be alone and blah blah blah.... they make me want to hurl sometimes.... plus i lose friends. especially my guy friends. not that they get too wrapped up in their girlfriends (although that can be a problem). its more that i feel i can no longer be myself around them, i have to be careful not to offend their 'better half'.
i was out with some of the girls tonight and honestly i get a little tired of talking about boys. a few of the girls are in their mid to late 20s and feel as though they will self combust (or something) if they don't find someone soon... then i have other friends in their late 20s early 30s who are so focused on God that the whole guy thing is out of their relm of thinking.... for the most part. thats how i want to be, so focused on God that if/when He decides i am ready for prince charming i am there, actively waiting. But if I never meet anyone its ok too, i am not dwelling and pining for something that is not meant to be.
i wish everyone could look at everyone else as brothers and sisters, encouraging and uplifting eachother to reach their goals and make their dreams come true... instead of seeing each other as potential marrage material or even worse, Mr/Mrs right now... someone, anyone who makes them feel good at the moment.
for the first time in my life i can see myself becoming a career woman and not being a house wife... ever. i mean its not totally out of the question, but i do not think it is a staple in my life goals. Plus I have HUGE doubts that anyone would ever actually want to be with me til death do us part. I can be quite difficult.
from there i will go into self worth. i am secure in Christ, but once you place me in the 'real world' i lose that confidence a little. If i did not have God i would be a mess. the standards for a beautiful woman in america are *thin *good skin *tame hair (usually straight) *white teeth *practically hairless and those are just the name a few... and out of that list i fail them all... I am a big girl with acne and frizzy hair, bc my ansestors were italian i am also hairy and i have never bleeched my teeth which are not so perfectly white. I meet non of the standards... will anyone ever find me atractive? i doubt it.
i do however, fit in perfectly with Jesus Christ. He loved the outcasts and befriended the lowly and akward. "I am a sinner saved by grace and thats all that i could ever hope to be", "by the grace of God I am who I am"
and who am I? I am someone head over heals inlove with Christ, here on earth to serve.... YOU!
I am nothing, this world has, could and will someday survive without me. I only hope to be in the will of Christ with every step I take. If that means I never meet someone, so be it. Jesus is more important to me than my selfish, to have someone.

Christ my life is Yours, YOu know that... Whatever happens, I pray it is what You desire, not me. BC my desires are of the world and Yours are above the world.

donald miller

o and here is a link to find more out about donald miller, the author i have been raving about the past month.
http://www.donaldmillerwords.com/index.php
enjoy!

**GOOD STUFF**

i got 2 new CDs last wk:

josh bates (i have already put some of his lyrics in the blog)
http://www.joshbatesmusic.com/joshbates.php

and Casting pearls
http://www.castingpearls.com/


"LOVE'S DONE SOMETHING "
casting pearls

Life was a roller coaster ride, pushin' me up down side to side
I could barely hold on spinnin' out of control
I was lost, lost like a ship in the deep blue sea
Like an angel of light You came to rescue me
You must have found something special in me
Your love's done something to me
Changed my life completely
You're everything, the one and only thing that I need
Everyday I'm walking on sunshine
I am Yours and You're mine
Tonight I feel like I'm on top of the world
As I soar through the starry sky across the galaxy
On the wings of Your love forever carrying me
I've only begun, there's so much more to see
Lock me up throw away the key
I'm a prisoner of love but I never felt so free
You've given me more than I ever dreamed
I've always felt there had to be something more
Worth livin' and dying for, now I know that something is
YouThis is how life was meant to be
Just having You here with me, with You just You together forevermore
Life was a roller coaster ride pushin' me up down side to side
I could barely hold on spinnin' out of control


"YOU ALONE"
casting pearls

I've come to Your throne here so cold and alone
I'm calling on Your name
I lift my hands to the sky open wide and I cry Lord take me away
Take this heavy heart and this weary soul and set them free
Remove myself till there's nothing left but You alone in me
I'm letting go of all that I knowI'm holding on to You alone
I lay it all down down here at Your feet
I want You alone You alone
If I go to the heavens above Lord I know You are there
If I make my bed in the depths lord I know You are there
If I rise on the wings of the dawn or settle on the far side of the sea
Even still Lord I know You will, You will always be there with me

both are AMAZINGLY AWESOME! highly reccomend them both
thos are 2 songs by casting pearls, but u can't get the fulleffect unless u can hear the music... AMAZING!

o and we can't forget my boys in Dust N Ashes... have I ever put their link up here?
http://dustnashes.net/

Anything changed?

Looking back on the goals from september, how am i doing?

1) brush up on my chinese and Italian
*no luck with thisone yet

2) go to massage therapy school
*man did i get smacked over the face today, with this one... still workin on it

3) Get a job
* got a temp one... does that count?

4) get a car
*that won't come into play until i get a full time job

5) go back to China and teach english. (i am willing to substitute another country if i feel led)
*mandy and I are moving to china after she graduates from college

6) take some culinary arts classes
*that will happen after massage therapy school.

7) find a church and get involved.
*still looking, its hard to find one i like

8) get a place of my own.
*hopefully sooner rather than later

9) Read
*i have been reading more, books by donald miller, which i highly recomend

Lord i am still activly waiting, but i need u to guide me to get this all done... i feel a little lost

"Reality is like a fine wine, It will not appeal to children."

Quotes from Donald Millers book, "Seaching FOR GOD knows what"

"I realized the gospel of Jesus, I mean the essence of God's message to mankind, wasn't a bunch of hoops we need to jump through to get saved, and it wasn't a series of ideas we had to agree with either; rather, it was an invitation, an invitation to know God."

"God is a person who is incredibly patient with humanity."

"...we are all guilty of changing Jesus around in order to make Him more like ourselves."

"The very scary thing about religion, to me, is that people actually believe God is who they think He is."

"Truth grew in my mind like a fungus, and though I tried to keep it out, there was no resisting the epiphanies."

"If i weren't a Christian, and I kept seeing Christain leaders on television more concerned with money, fame, and power than with grace, love , and social justice, I wouldn't want to believe in God at all."

"The gospel of Jesus is the most relevant message in the history of mankind."

"What if, because we were constantlytrying to dissect His message, we were missing the blatant invitation? I began to wonder if becoming a Christain did not work more like falling in love than agreeing with a list of true principles."

"...in that their goal when reading scripture was to see Christ in every verse, and not a mirror image of themselves."

...more to come...
if your interested in hearing more... or, you could just read the book

some lyrics from josh bates

I'm less than satisfied
With all I try to be
But He is more than willing
To b strong when I am weak
and so when...

I'm less than I thought I was
Convinced that I don't measure up
And I pretend I'm standing tall
'Til I hear my Father say
Even when I'm feeling small
He loves me, really loves me
And I know He knows best
Even on the days when I feel less
~less, josh bates

from Psalm 24:7-10
I stare at teh cross cause with out it I'm lost and I believe
I'm healed by Your blood, saved by Your love and You shelter me
It's amazing the pwer You hold
I give You my heart and my soul
King of glory
You are holy
Take my hands, take my feet
Take my voice as I sing
Lord of heaven
Hallelujah
Precious Jesus
Halleljah
Imagine the day when our faith is replaced with a glorious sight
Of angels in chorus as You stand before us in perfect light
We will join in the anthem of praise
With every breath e will say
King of glory
You are holy
Take my hands, take my feet
Take my voice as I sing
Lord of heaven
Hallelujah
Precious Jesus
Halleljah
You lived and You died to bring us new life
Sweet salvation
Clothed in majesty, God of everything
King of glory
You are holy
Take my hands, take my feet
Take my voice as I sing
Lord of heaven
Hallelujah
Precious Jesus
Halleljah
~king of glory, josh bates
I wish you could hear this one, reading the words doesn't do it justice.

It's a matter of FAITH, HOPE and LOVE
A matter of trusting the Father above
When the flame is rising higher
Gotta keep walking trough the fire
~walking trought the fire, josh bates

all of his songs are really good (and He pulls them all from scripture), but since i couldn't find the lyrics online i hade to type them all out myself... so if you want more ur gonna have to get the CD "Perfect Day" by Josh Bates... Its better that way anyway bc then u can hear how he sings it and the emotion in the songs... I love it!

obedience

ok, so i don't remember where i heard this but i have been chewing on it for a while and i want to share this with you.

basically, here i s a summary. The fall happened because people were disobedient. When Eve was convinced to take the fruit from the tree she was shown that there was nothing wrong with the fruit. It was 'pleasing to the eye' it could be used for nutrition. The only thing wrong with it was the God said "NO!"

There are plenty of things in life that seem good and useful, but if God says no, then we should respect His wishes. He is the one who knows best, so I trust whatever it is He is saying no to now will be best for me in the future, even if i don't like it now.

What is God saying no to in your life that you are having a hard time letting go and trusting HIm with?

Jars of Clay Concert wit da crew

so i went to a concert last night with a bunch of CRAZY AWESOME people and God really spoke to my heart.

here are some of my notes:
*garbage > transforming
letting God transform our garbage
turn your garbage into something beautiful
-meatal sculpture
-glass mosaic
-gumball murall

my thoughts:
we all have garbage in our lives, we all have junk we carry around. stinky, heavy, unnessisary crap. you can either continue to carry it or you can give it to God. He can take the dirtiest, ugliest deepest garbage and turn it into one of His most beautiful masterpieces. Don't let your past dictate your future. I have seen God at work, I have seen Him change my garbage into His masterpiece to influence His kingdom. And though i have a lot more gaarbage to be transformed, i have faith He will use it, continualy changing it, and me to glorify His kingdom.


*i always said if i ever fell inlove I wouldn't be getting up
well guess what?!?
I'm face down on the ground
and i like it down here

My thoughts:
I am head over heels inlove with Jesus Christ. He is the love of my life. I can never recover from this depth of love I feel. I don't always understand His love me (I can be a huge jerk, an annoying brat, a bad friend, lazy, jealous, and plain mean) But he promise to love me throughh it all. And for that reason, because He loves me no matter what I do, I WANT to serve Him I want to obey him. I lopve HIm too, but i could nerver love Him to the depth He loves me because I am human with selfish, self-centered tendencies. He understands that and lives me anyway. I love the feeling of being love "Just Because" not because i have money (which by the way I don't), or because i am popular (which by the way i'm not) , or because i do things for people, or because otf the way i look or talk or what i do.nHe loves me Just Because and that, my friends, is true agape, God, 1 cor 13 style love.

* I am so truely blessed
I have friends wo encourage me
challenge me and
love me (even when i am unloveable)
Jesus you have blessed me more than I could ever express in words
more than i could ever thank you for
you are amazing
thank you
love, your little girl

My thoughts:
(smile) thank you

*I heard God whisper to me
1st time i realized it was him
in little moments
little phrases, ideas, thoughts
it is quick, but it is Him
so i have to write it down so i don't forget it
i will mull the thought over and figure out why He would tell me that
*It's like God speaks to me in little whispers they don't linger and I am left thinking, pondering He teaches me so much

My thougts:
God speaks in the silences, He can converse with us through our thoughts. When I am reading a book, watching a movie, jammim at a concert or talking with a friend I hear whispers in my head. I have been told I am good at giving advice and telling people how it is. I must confess it was not me, it was the whisper, God speaking through me. I think it is amazing that He, the God of the univers would want to talk to me. Its amazing. He cares about me, my day, my annoyances, my joys, my sorrows, my hardships, my life ... ALL about it. God is SO real its not funny. I love Him so much. Thank You for loveing me, i do not deserve it, but i do enjoy You company.
When i write down the whispers it helps me to think about it later, especially if i am jamming at a concert and can't think much due to the niose, it also helps me to mull it over later in the wk and month. Good food for thought. He teaches me so much through His quiet whispers.

*blood shed brow
He didn't die for nothing!

My thoughts:
Everytime i think of Jesus on the cross, dying for MY sin, becuase I am a disobedient jerk, i can't help getting emotinal. I killed Christ. He died for the so I could be set free. He died for His creation. I want everyone to know Him.
I am not saying everyone needs organized religion... not at all. What I am saying is everyone NEEDS to give Chirst a chance, get to know Him. I know many people have been burned by the church or chirstians before. All I can say is I am sorry. They were not representing Christ or what He stands for. Please give Him a chance. I would love to talk with you about it.

Isaiah 43:1-4

1But now, O Israel, the LORD who created you says: "Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. 2When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. 3For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Egypt, Ethiopia,[a] and Seba as a ransom for your freedom. 4Others died that you might live. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you.

.
.

there you go mandy here is the NLT

my wkend @ alf

this past wkend was awesome... went to clarion for ALF. had some really good talks with many of my friends... i asked questions about satan and got some interesting and varying perspectives. Being able to hang and joke and love on people was so much fun.
church was also an amazing time. PK talked about letting go of guile, pain and hurt. It was an extremely moving sermon. after he was done speaking we were handed papers to write down things we needed to let go of, then the congregation, it seem like all of it, got in a line and took turns nailing them to a big wooden cross in the front of the church. i think we had 3 or 4 hammers. I was sitting in the first pew so i was able to watch as everyone came and nailed their burdens to the cross. It was the most beautiful thing i had seen in the longest time. 8 year olds and 88 year olds standing side by side lifting their burdens to Jesus. the pounding of the hammers on the nails was the most beautiful sound I had heard, the sweet release of all the weight people carried around. watching all those people, it seemed like the entire congregation, leaving their burdens on the cross. it was overwhelingly heart wrentching. I felt so much joy for the kingdom. It was amazing.
then at table talks we talked about reletivism. i love deep topic like this. we talked about ow there is reletivism in christianity and how there shouldn't be. i think we ended up with
relativism = disbelief in truth + belief in lies
if there is not absolute truth, then everything is a lie. my truth, would be your lie. there for everything is a lie.
if Jesus is the truth, and He is, then all opposing 'truths' are actually lies. i know... this is hard to explain in words, i was not an english major. but if you would like to talk about it sometime let me know, I'd love to get together... and for those of you too far away, i'd love to talk on the phone with you.
one other interesting point pk made was about the fruit in the gardenof eden... upon looking at the fruit it was pleasing to the eye and could be used for nurishment. there was nothing wrong with it... it was not rotting or poisoned... the only thing wrong with it was that God said NO! which got me thinking about things in my life that are perfectly fine, possible happening, but if God says NO then I shouldn't want it, or want to do it.
what is God saying NO to in your life... are you willing to be obedient?
I also read my 'blue like jazz' book (coughreaditcough) shortly after church and don was talking about christian relativism... ironic? maybe. it was about a time when he was asked to defend christianity on a radio station and he declined. when the host asked him why, his answer was that he could not defend something that had 10 different meanings to 10 different people. people interpret scriptures differently, some even twist them completely out of context. BUT he would defend Jesus Christ and the true gospel. Interesting...
sometimes i get so sick of being a christian and all the labels that come with it and the judgment and i just want to stop being a christain. however, i have never wanted to stop being a Christ follower. there is a differnce.

if you have never been told that God loves you, let me be the first.
Jesus Christ died for you because He loves you so much, yes i did use present tense on purpose. Jesus rose from the dead and is alive! He wants you to believe in Him so your sould can be saved and spend the rest of eternity in heaven.

John 3:16-21
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son. 19This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. 21But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."

again if you would like to talk about any of the above please let me know, i would love to try to better explain, or listen if you need/want to work somethings out.

well i think thats long enough for now... more later...

how do i get random anonymous people who only want me to check out their websites to stop commenting?

some ideas on: satan

wrestling with the idea of satan

people argue all the time if the believe in God, or not. it seems like they forget that there is an opposing side.
"the greatest trick satan has accomplished is making people believe he doesn't exist."
he wants us to get caught up in meaningless things for meaningless reasons
he wants us to waste our time
he wants us to be self involved

i think one of the biggest faults is letting our guard down, ignoring the fact that he is there and then wondering why thing get so hard. we are not fighting the attacks, not being alert for when he strikes... and you better believe you are his target. we can not forget that satan is lurking around every corner, waiting for us to give him an opening where he can climb into our lives and mess them up, not that i don't do a fair share of maessing up on my own. i am not saying all our sin is satans fault. i am saying it is his desire to see us hurt, to see us struggle so he makes our already difficult lives, due to sin and our own selfish desires, even more difficult by tempting us, whisperingin our ears "you don't need to pray today", "you are ugly, fat, unsuccessful"... he tears people down and tears them apart.

satan is always ready to attack, how come we are not alway ready to fight back?

i am still wrestling with some of these ideas, just had to get this down before i lost it... :o/

blue like jazz by donald miller

this book is amazing... i can't put it down... well i can, but its hard.. i am eating it up, not literally.
if you read it let me know, i'd love to talk with you about it .

ps: donald miller is talking in grove city the 14th.... i am so interested to hear him speak

LOTR remix

this is for Jen, and anyone else who love LOTR

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/hobbits

yes joel, i stole it from ur info... thanks

Who I am Hates who I've been

I have been so grouchy and negative lately and it has been driving me nuts. I hate being negative and I hate it when I am not smiling and making other people smile.
Pastor Bill said something today in church that was like a light bulb going off in my head. He said, "Christians are not happy unless they are serving God." That was it! What was I doing to serve God? not much. I want to get a job and serve Him in my job, I want to get in a church and serve Him in the church. I want to serve, and i have been missing out the past month and a half. I have been waiting, but not actively. I thought i was being active, but not really. I lack know how right now where I am. Its like i hit a wall and am left dazed and confused. I want to dig in with both my hands and love on Him like nothing else.
I had lunch after church with 3 beautiful, intellegent lovely ladies. We talked about a great many things. One of them for quite a while. Relationships. We are all single and it can be a stuggle. One of the girls was feeling rather hopeless in the area of dating. Once you get out into the 'real world' it is hard to find an on fire christian guy as a friend let a lone a life long companion. I know I just graduated, but i had a hard time finding one when i was here before college, that is why i never dated and I have friends who are in their 30s who have yet to get married, even though it is a strong desire they are not willing to settle. They are awesome women of faith.
Another of the girls, the oldest and wisest of the group tried to be encouraging to us. Reinforcing the facts we already know: It is better to be content in singleness than misrable in a relationship that we're stuck in. God loves us. We need first to be content with God before we can ever hope to have a relationship that gloifies HIm. If we do choose to marry someday it has to be the man God chose for us, not a man we choose bc we are afraid to grow old alone.
The 3rd girl broke in a shared how God has been speaking to her on the topic of relationships. God pretty much showed her that He wanted to be the One and only in her life. She would run to other people with her joys, fears, heartaches, etc. and leave Him out completely. How do you thing that makes Him feel. The God that creatted us and longs to be in our lives, an intricate part of our lives. Running to other people was only creating a void between her and Him a void He wants to fill.
Is it true, Is God really ALL you need or are you looking for love in all the wrong places?
I have been struggling a lot the past 2 months with just wanting a friend here with me all the time. Like in college i could just run down the hall or walk 5 min to a friends room and there i could talk and hang out. Yeah i spent my time with God, we had our time together and i know He was hangin out with us too. But I am so people focused I would run to someone and pray with them or just hang with them, bc i knew i was loved. I amnot saying it is bad to be a people person, i will be one my whole life. I love people, i can't help it. and I am not saying it is wrong to hang with people when your feeling out of it or need to talk, the big question is, Is God the one you run to or run from? I never really saw it as running from God when I was running to other people. But the more I look at it... God is either ALL you need or not enough.
I know God has always been ALL I ever needed, but i haven't been treating our relationship in such a way. When your single you have a relationship that is solely focused on God and His will. But once you get married your focus is split between God and your significant other and then if you have children it is divided even more. I am not saying marriage is a bad thing, not by any means. I have the desire to get married and have children (a lot of them) some day. But I am training my self to be content now, until God brings my prince to me. I have been gurading my heart so long, i don't know how to let go. I guess all that will come all with time, if the needs comes. Or maybe i need to hand it over to God so He can protect it. Less work for me andI know its being taken care of...

these are some verses that are encouraging to me:

An unmarried woman is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. 1 Cor. 7:34

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young. Be an example to all believers in what you teach, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity. 1 Timothy 4:12

By the grace of God I am who I am. 1Cor. 15:10

The eldest and wisest of the girls also pointed out that we don't know what the future holds or how long that will even be. We are not guarenteed a next year or a next week or even a tomorrow. I could die or Jesus could come back, who knows? There is no need in worrying about the future because we don't know what it holds... only God knows which is all the more reason to place ALL our faith in Him and live each day as it were our last. Live each day with as much passion for Christ as we can muster. I used to think this way... Thanks for bringing me back.

Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your lone is stronger than mine
This is no sacrifice, Here's my life

Have to die each day to ourselfs so we can live more fully for God.

Psalms 25:4-5
Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

Psalms 139:23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting

I long to know You and be lily white for You, continue to draw me closer to You, everyday... every moment.

1st temp job!

I got a job! even if it is only for a month. its my first temp job. its data entry stuff, nothing exciting, but it is something that will carry me to the next thing.
I really don't want to get trapped into a a job, bc i want to do missions. Hopefully go back to china in 3-5 years.
I guess we'll see what happens... I am going to a church in penn hills this sunday, hoping it will be something solid. I so desprately need fellowship. I sometimes feel like i am drowning in a world of secularism. i don't understand it (the world), and i don't want to join it. I don't want to ride the fence and i don't want to be lukewarm. I want to be a warrior princess for Jesus.

wow, i am getting way off track, my mind is wandering...

... *sigh, i wish i could talk to you...



...why is this so hard for me? Why do i miss you so much? I wish you were here...

missing people

DY: i gotta say, it was awesome to have u here tuesday, it really isnt hte same iwthout u here, ur just like alway so happy and it always makes me happier to see u, u really brighten up the room, and i wish u were still here
DY: its the truth
DY: i miss u not being here

This makes me feel loved... I miss you too. I am glad we can still talk even though i am not able to be there as much.

I really miss talking to people. sitting down, face to face and talking about anything, everything. I miss helping people with whatever they are struggling with, i miss laughing til my sides hurt and long walks under the stars. I miss the hugs and the smiles, i miss the frusterations and the tears, i miss the sharing joys and praying about the hardships together, i miss the fellowship, the tough love and the true friends who you know are always gonna be there for you. (i know your still there for me, and i am here for you. It is just different when your miles apart though instead of right down the hall)
Will i ever have that again? those late night laugh fests, the heart felt tear talks. WIll i find new friends who genuinely care for me. I miss my friends, a lot. I wish i could have them all here all the time. but thats not how it works. Once graduation day comes, everyone splits up. We're all over the map. I don't want to be come surface level and blend into the world. I long to stand up to for God and fight for what is right.

No matter where we go, how far apart God takes us, I will always love you guys and gals. I will do anything and everything i can think of to be there for you and help you out.

My Friend
by plus one

We are standing at the crossroads
And now it's time
For you to go your way
And me to go mine
I will pray the Lord
Will keep you safe
Until the day I see your face again

[c h o r u s]
My friend
We have been through so much
And you have been my Godsend
With your sure and steady love
My friendYou know I will be there
If you ever need'Cause you've always
Been a friend to me
You may travel the world over
But one thing I know for sure
One day this road will lead me
Back 'round to your door
I will pray the LordWill keep you safe
Some bonds are just too strong
To break in the end
Nothing will change the wayI feel about you
Not the miles or the years
Or the place this life takes me to

"parted by miles but bonded by love"

I am visiting claion today. The China presentation went well last night, at least thats what everyone tells me. I like being here bc it is the only constant i have in my life right now besides God, ofcourse, and living at home, which can get frusterating at times.
I don't have a bible study or accountability, i am looking for a new church and a new job. I hate not having friends that i see everyday. I love college living, community living... i don't think God wanted us to live in our separate houses cut off from eachother. I strongly believe in community, being there for eachother, serving eachother, loving on eachother, supporting eachother through the rough times and rejoicing with eachother through the good times. Everything is better when sharing it with a friend.
Going through the China presentation made me want to go back to china now.
gtg... comp is running out of battery

I love you Jen

not being able to concerntrate can be a good thing... you make me smile! I wish i could fly out to CA and see you! I miss you SOOOOOOOO much! Keep it real chickie. God is where its at.

You rock my world sista! Thank You!

not so bored now

so much to do in so little time... how do i go from boredom to insane business so quickly????
I have the wedding friday and saturday, GGs 80th birthday party on sunday and i have to put together a power point for tues. and drive to clarion to present it with my girls... i am sure i a missing something...
Atleast it keeps my mind off of not having a job, and i feel productive. until this time next wk i will be extremely busy. I am excited, because i think i may be able to find some money to get to clarion on tuesday. I am excited again.

Thanks to everyone who has really been there for me the past few wks. I really need people in my life right now who are supportive and who just love on me, even when i do get a little nutz. It has really meant a lot to me.

Just because I'm patient doesn't mean it's easy

"I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather
Whats the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you
And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all"
~relient K

"Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seem so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land"
~Switchfoot

interup....

I wanted to do an end of the week update, but with all of the drama I lost track of time and my sanity. My room is finally almost done. All I have to do is put up my pictures, again. The walls are painted, the closet door is on, the carpet is in and I arranged it just the way I wanted it. So now all I have to do Is hang up my pictures. That is my favorite part. *sigh, it felt like it took forever. I have been working on it since before China! so I finished up all that last wk.
Friday night I got a call from a friend asking me to take her to the ER. So I picked her up and we spent all Friday night and saturday morning at the hospital. She went through many tests to find out that she need to have her gall bladder removed. BUT she couldn't have surgery until monday (today). SO she spent the entire wkend in the hospital. By the way, thanks to all of you who prayed for her. She is doing better and we hope to have her home tomorrow.
I went through some trying events yesterday that I really do not want to get into. and today I was running around getting things for the wedding that is THIS SATURDAY!!!! visiting Jess and hanging out at mels.
I have a long list of things i need to do tomorrow.
I visited the massage therapy school and it was amazing. I am investigating finacial aid and other such money matters. Also I am a little discouraged that they do not have many night classes. I was hoping to take night classes bc most of the jobs i am looking into are 9 to 5 type jobs. Which means i would have to take night classes. We'll see how it goes. I'm looking into other schools, but havn'ty gotten as far as calling yet.
On the brighter side, i did get a few calls today about jobs, although i was not home to recieve them. It will give me something to do tomorrow. Where will will I end up? Only God knows.

.... gtg, a friend IMed me and now I can't concertrate. I'll write more later

AHHH!

Why
i don't undaterstand why he refuses to see things my way, always twisting my words. Always making me feel like i am 2 inches tall. I want out... Lord I need to get out of here... PLease help me.
nothing is ever HIS fault, i am the screw up yet again. Ew how i hate being here. I can't wait for the day whan i am gone.
its not like he'll ever try to see things my way or understand my thinking... i have given up on that long ago.
going to be alone and cry.
Jesus I need your love more than ever now.

:o)

feeling very loved right now.

Feeling Small

He has a way of making me feel so small
Side note: Here is a little inside information about me and my pet peeves. It urks me to no end when someone or multiple people feel like they have the right, ability, knowledge, whatever to tell me How I feel, what I think and/or how much or little i care about something/someone. It usually just goes to show how little you know me.
I went to my sisters tonight, for other reasons, but we got on the subject of how he reinforces the fact that i am and forever will be a scew up. It is not something I can escape. I have gotten toin the habit of just walking away when he starts to yell, i see no point in yelling back. It just makes us both look like idiots. Why can't i get up the nerve to tell him how I feel? That his type of 'help or 'criticism' is not useful for me. When I saw him today he pretended nothing happened, but it was still bothering me. I don't think it would be so bad if it didn't happen once a week, but its wearing me down. *sigh*
My sister told me to get mad. Not to let him make me feel worthless, but to focus my energy and use it to get stuff done, exercise, research, etc. It sounds construtive. And there are certain times when i can do that, focus my energies, butit is hard with him. It hurts... a lot.
Waiting for discernment

i wrote a poem about this once, i wonder if i can dig it up... i shall try and if i do i'll type it out later

Making a plan

I talked to my sister and aunt last night at my cousins bachlorette party. I know random place to have a life changing conversation. I have been fighting with myself the past month, ever since i got back from China about what to do with my life. It has always been easy for me in the sense that i knew what I was doing next. I may not have always wanted to do it, but i knew what the next step was.
Now i have no idea. The next step has not been mapped out for me. I have no idea what to do. I need to make a plan. Here is a list of things I want to do in the next 5-ish years:

1) brush up on my chinese and Italian
~thanks to mandy I have CDs on chinese to help, and I have some old Italian CDs i bought last summer.
2) go to massage therapy school
~i hope to look into that this week, the same school i checked out 3 years ago. Hoping to start classes in Jan.
3) Get a job
~this is all God, i just have to be patient (hopfully this one is accomplished before the end of the month.
4) get a car
~that won't come into play until i get a job
5) go back to China and teach english. (i am willing to substitute another country if i feel led)
~this will happen near the end of the 5ish years.
6) take some culinary arts classes
~I love to cook, but do not often get the opportunity to do so. and this will help me to explore new, diverse recipes. hoping to take these classes shortly after massage therapy school.
7) find a church and get involved.
~I am acheing to get involved in a church and have some regular fellowship. ASAP!!!
8) get a place of my own.
~it would be hard for me to live by myself, since i have been immersed in community living most of my life. But I can not be a mooch forever... soon it will be time to move on.
9) Read
~i know this may sound simple, but i have not been able to read through an entire book all summer. plus i saw some classic books at B&N today for less than $5!

These are only a few of the goals i can think of right now and They are not in any order, but i would like to accomplish them all in the next 5 years. by the time i am ... dare i say... 28! whoa!
I will be starting my research tomorrow. Lets see what I can do.
Lord, PLEASE grant me strength and motivating. Lead me through Your will.

I have always waited for the next step, its time i actively wait in eager anticipation for You to open my eyes and reveal Your plan for my life to me. I am here Lord and I love You. Help me discern Your desires for this broken little girl.

Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are stronger than mine
Your love is deeper than mine
This is NO SACRIFICE
here's my life

I made the plan, God You make it happen!
I am actually excited now! life is good.
I'll report back soon.

23

This week was a blast. I got to road trip it up to clarion and stay with some friends. I love all my Clarion peeps. Hey, I just love saying that i have peeps. It was like a breath of fresh air. And I got to see DNA in concert... ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! The best place to be on your birthday is a DNA concert! And Bekey (Bao Li) became a part of OUR family! I fould that out on my birthday as well, how amazing! It has just been a blast!
When i got back to clarion from the concert, which took a while i sat over at becht waiting for JF to let out. While I was there I prayed and wrote a poem, which I am goign to publish here. I have never published any of my poetry before, so we'll see. Gretchen really helped me realize that its ok not to know what you want to do with your life, as long as you are actively waiting for the next step in Gods will. I am trying to be patient. Maybe Ben is right... Should I move to Michigan or perhaps we'll end up in China together?!?! who knows, only God.


From the Heart

These tears they flow up
as frusterations build up
ANGRY with myself
why can't I try harder
to be a better person
to be more intentional
more like Jesus
I need to do more for Jesus
I am so self centered
I am SO broken

I am falling down
face on the ground
humbly calling out
begging You
Forgive me!
please

Sweet Jesus please
I ask of Thee
to take away
this sinful way
and all this shame
thats made its home inside of me

All I need is You
Sweet Jesus
All I want is to
be wrapped up tightly
in Your arms
Loving you forever

I love you Savior
I know that I don't show it
I'm such a failure
Can't help but blow it

And yet You love me
as I fail
You pick me up
brush me off
and encourage me to try again
I don't understand Your love
But i do appreciate it
i don't always accept it
i can't understand You
But I love You too

This life is Yours
I die again today
And yet I live
I give it to You
This life I'm trapped in
I pray
Your Will be done
Your Kingdom come
This life is Yours
the path has been charted
lead me
guide me

I sing praises to You
all day
every day
I lift my voice
as I rejoice
my desire is to be with You
bring me always closer to You

the battle has been won


I know its kind of long... probably not that good, it could probably be 2 different poems... hm, but it is from the heart...

Thank You Jesus for loving me even though i am a failure, even though my life is very uneventful and i don't feel i am doing much for Your kingdom. You love me always. It is hard for me to grasp that fact.
Thank You.
You are my life line, the reason I live.

not so bad

Got an interview for tuesday!!! I got a job offer yesterday, but i didn't take it... am i nutz? should I just take what I can get? sigh.
I figured out why I have been so bummy lately... VICTOR!!! I didn't realize he was due for a visit, but he's here. now that I know I am in better spirits. I also got my china pictures in a scrapbook, not totally finished, i have some final touches to put on it, but i need to go for suppies. It is looking very nice though. I am happy with it and now i have something to take to the China dinner tonight to show.
I am actually excited about this china dinner thing. I get to put on my ne Tibetan dress and show pictures and tell people about china and my friends their. In some ways it feels like a dream, but in others it feel all to real.
o my i gots to get goin...
till next time folks

Can I do anything????

i know i have only been job hunting for a week, but I have found that I am pretty much useless...
whats a girl to do?

dazed and confused

job huntng is interesting. I hate it. I got offered a job to be the manager of a store for G&M Marketing Corp. (www.gandmmarketingcorp.com) I don't want to lock myself in somewhere. Especially if I don't know what i am getting myself into, its a BIG responsibility and it would lock me in for a long career. I am not looking for a career right now, i can see myself doing a great many things. Plus I am being told I shouldn't trust the company just because they are small. I get the feeling It is being hinted to me that I can't do it. what a way to build people up. Push them to do something, then when they finally reach the end smack 'em down and crush their self esteem. Not that I had much to begin with. (sigh) What am I to do with my life? I always imagined being married by now, maybe having a small side job till i had kids then being a full time house wife and getting involved in the PTA or being a girl scout troup leader, teaching sunday school and leading a small group for young women. That dream is in the can. There is no husband, boyfriend... potential dating circumstance at all in sight in the near future or in the long run. I feel beat down and deflated... all I want is a hug, some one to pray with... no one is around. gotta deal with it myself... as usual.
sorry this is a sort of depressing entry... i better cheer up b4, well i just better cheer up.

[x]

ok i know i should prob write about my trip, but i am still jet lagged and trying to figure out where to start. In a few days I will write you a nice long article, for now i will do this survey b/c i got it 6 times since i was away so it must be some sort of imprtant.... i am not sure where they came up with some of these and i like to comment so after some of them i will leave a ~~ which means that is my comment.
here it goes:

[x] I am a cuddler. ~~most people wouldn't know that, but i am.
[ ] I am an okay dancer. ~~this is a scary sight
[ ] I am a morning person. ~~i am usually pleasent in the morning, but it takes me a while to wake up.... latly i have been getting up @ 5am and 7am because of the time change.
[ ] I am a perfectionist.
[ ] I am an only child.
[ ] I am Catholic.
[x] I am currently in my pajamas. ~~ :oD
[ ] I am currently pregnant.
[x] I am currently single. ~~ i hope not for long
[ ] I am currently suffering from a breaking heart.
[ ] I am okay at styling other people's hair.
[ ] I am left handed.
[ ] I am married.
[ ] I am obsessed with the internet.
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[x] I am very shy around the opposite sex at first. ~~ even though most people might not believe it, i am sometimes, especially if i don't know them.
[ ] I bite my nails.
[ ] I can be paranoid at times.
[ ] I currently have a crush on someone.
[ ] I currently regret something that I have done/am doing.
[ ] When i get mad I curse frequently.
[x] I don't hate anyone. ~ it don't think it is possible for me to hate anyone.
[x] I enjoy country music. ~~ i enjoy most music, except screaming music and anything that is very negative.
[x] I enjoy jazz music.
[x] I enjoy smoothies.
[x] I enjoy talking on the phone. ~~i have a lot of friends all over the place, and since i can not be with them the phone is the next best thing.
[ ] I have a car.
[ ] I have a mobile phone.
[ ] I have/had a hard time paying attention at school.
[x] I have a hidden talent. ~~ its a secret, hence the 'hidden' part of the talent
[x] I have a lot to learn. ~~ boy o boy do i
[ ] I have a pet.
[ ] I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
[x] I have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" guy. ~~no comment
[ ] I have all my (real) grandparents, none of them have died.
[x] I have at least one brother and/or sister. ~~there is 4 of us in all... unless you count the extended family... then i have millions. (yay for bekey!)
[x] I have been to another country. ~~just got back from CHINA!
[ ] I have been to Europe. ~~ i want to go to Italy someday
[x] I have been told that I am very smart. ~~some people are pathological liers
[ ] I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor.
[ ] I have/had broken a bone.
[ ] I have Caller I.D. on my phone.
[x] I have changed a diaper. ~~ many in the name of babysitting
[x] I have changed a lot over the past year. ~~ i think so, my frined can tell you better
[x] I have done something illegal. ~~ i'm a speeder :o(
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have had major/minor surgery
[ ] I have had my hair cut within the last week.
[ ] I have had the cops called on me.
[ ] I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
[ ] I have mood swings.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. ~~sigh
[x] I have rejected someone before.
[x] I have seen The Lord of the Rings trilogy. ~~tried to watch it all in one day once... whoa too much for me.
[ ] I have seen the television show The O.C.
[ ] I have tried a drug that is illegal
[x] I have watched the television show Spongebob Squarepants. ~~i was in emily's SG @ one point.
[x]I like Shakespeare.
[x] I love to cook. ~~anything... cooking makes me smile. oh, and baking... :oD
[x] I like to sing. ~~although, i am not good and i never remember all the words... i do it for enjoyment. Make a joyful noise!
[ ]I love Michael Jackson.
[x] I love my friends. ~~duh
[x] I love sleeping.
[ ] I love to play computer games.
[ ] I love to shop.
[x] I miss someone right now. ~~very much :*(
[x] I own 100 CDs or more.
[ ] I own and use a library card.
[ ] I practice a religion that is not considered mainstream. ~~its not mainstream in china... does that count???
[x] I read books for pleasure.
[x] I shave my legs.
[ ] I sleep a lot during the day.
[ ] I strongly dislike math.
[ ] I think Britney Spears is pretty.
[ ] I was born in a country other than the US.
[ ] I watch soap operas on a regular basis.
[x] I will try anything once. ~~just about
[ ] I work at a job that i enjoy ~~i need to find one b4 i can answer this one
[ ] I would classify myself as ghetto.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] i can name all 7 dwarfs from Snow White
[ ]I am currently wearing socks.
[ ] I Hate Summer
[ ] I am tired. ~~surprisingly no
[x]I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt ~~i am not very good, i also like to write

I hope this was entertaing for you all. Maybe some time this we i will write something of interest... then again maybe not.

I am totally in China!!!!

so i am in XIning right now!!! I finally got in to the blogger... but sadly i can ot read my past entries. China is wonderful... did u know parents tell their kids if they dig a hole deep enough they can reach the US? and for emergencies they dial 119?!?!?! i really am of the other side of the world!

its amazing here... i wish i could tell you more, but i am tired and i am having a hard time typing because the keys stick and the lighting s bad... hope ur all havin a great summer!!!

love ya!

Yippy God!

God is so faithful. I met some awesome on fire Christian women today. I can't wait to get back from China to hang out with them some more... but i will enjoy my trip. God is def. pointing me where I need to go. I am so excited, I finally feel direction!




Does anyone actually read this blog?

Can I be Jesus to the World

The battle field.... in the front lines. That's where Jesus was. He went to those who were judged for not following him, for do things against His word. 'Sinners' they are called in the bible, but aren't we all sinners? Is it possible that I could be Jesus to them? Jesus had His disciples, core group of friends and prayer warriors. They thought He was crazy sometimes, but He went to the 'sinners' house. He ate and drank with them. Now, maybe He could not be touch or dragged down b/c He is God. So that makes it a bit more dangerous for me, but I want to take Jesus to these people in a way that will help them see the truth, His love and His wrath. Can I be Jesus to the world? OR is it just a silly dream of mine? Can I show you He is real and He loves you? Do you care at all?

Still trying to figure out where I belong in this crazy mixed up world. Where should I go when I get back from China? God I need your guidance, more than ever.

I leave tomorrow! Really this is the very last one... I love you!

Off to China

I wrote quite a few blogs this week. Don't read them all at one time. Space tehm out because i won't be back to write new ones til mid-August, make them last. And make some comments, give me something to read when I ge tback from you the viewer, because I do hope you all have a great summer and I would like to hear how its going.

Have a great summer. See you in August!

P.S. Joel- I finally figured out how to insert a picture!!! Is there any way i can make it bigger???

I love you guys!

Speak to me Lord

I went to youth group tonight. I go to hang out with the kids and get ready for divin in this fall. I want to be a leader of some sort for the young people. I want to pass my passion on to the next generation. I want to show them Jesus. I want to show them who they were meant to be. There is so much I want for the younger generation, there is so much i want for older generations.

My fears start to get to me as I sit and watch the teens talking, playing, hanging out.
"You're too passionate... you'll scare them way."
"You'll nevcer fit in here, no one thinks the way you do, no one will understand you."
"You were an odd ball in high school and you're an odd ball now. Don't even try to change things they are already set here. They don't need you. They never did."

These lies and more fill my head and disolve my outgoing side. I sit and talk to those i know, even somewhat vaguely. I wish i have courage, I wish i had strength. I feel like the people there do not see me as a woman who has changed and grown and desires for the world to know Christ, but as a young teen striving to fit in. Part of it would be my fault. I havn't given them reason to believe I have changed. They don't know me, they never have. They don't care to know me... is this true or are these more lies... it is hard for me to tell now... how am i supposed to know.

I think when i return from China I will do as Brandon suggested. I will try other churchs. Althought I am not sure where to start. I currently drive 30 min to church. I can go anywahere in that size radius. Hm... Jess wanted to look for a new church,maybe this is something we can do together, or maybe we shouldn't. This is a BIG prayer request. I will be praying about it from now, til i return from china. Brandon did have a point. If there is a need in another church that i can fill, then I should. I go to a pretty large church now and there are plenty of volenteers. Other churches are not as lucky. I will pray about what to do. That's all i can do now.

Lord,
You are amazing. Only you know the future. Only You know where it is I am needed, where it is You want me to be this fall. I pray that you will guide me to the church, the job, and any other activities you want for me this fall. Lord, I can not thank you enough for the blessings you have poured out into my life. All I want is all you want for me. Show me where to go, where to start.
I love you sweet Jesus

1 Corinthians 13

i have been reading through 1 Corinthians and i've been thinking a lot about the truth in this book as i read through it and then tonight i come upon 1 Corinthians 13. One of my favorite passages. Love is the greatest gift.

1 If I could speak in any language in heaven or on earth[a] but didn't love others, I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I knew all the mysteries of the future and knew everything about everything, but didn't love others, what good would I be? And if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. 3If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[b] but if I didn't love others, I would be of no value whatsoever.
4Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. 6It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
8Love will last forever, but prophecy and speaking in unknown languages[c] and special knowledge will all disappear. 9Now we know only a little, and even the gift of prophecy reveals little! 10But when the end comes, these special gifts will all disappear.
11It's like this: When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child does. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12Now we see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.[d] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now.
13There are three things that will endure--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love.

we talked on Monday night at bible study about love. Love is a verb, as DCTalk so nicely put it. Your actions reveal your heart, your beliefs. The old saying is true, 'Actions speak louder than words.' What are your actions saying about you?

Helping You To Die by DNA

Make believing you believe in what you're living for
You can see I don't believe believing is for sure
And I'll take it to the death tie
Almost make it sound like
You gotta be dead because your gonna die
You gotta give up, you gotta be seen
Make your life speak a word to the mainstream
And as this man bleeds tangent cries, I will help him die

I will be there when you end your life
This is suicide, so say goodbye
And I will be there when you realize
This is how you die, you've gotta give your life away
And I will help you die

Struggling with the love of living, loving living lies
I will help you raise your arm to, wave and say goodbye
And life becomes a forte even at a young age
And we're taught to be caught by every word they say
You gotta give up, you gotta be seen
Make your life speak a word to the main stream
And as this man bleeds tangent cries, I will help him die



this song makes me smile!
What does this song mean to you???

Think outside the box

I was talking to a good friend of mine about the fact that it is too easy for worldly thoughts, actions, values, etc. to creep into a soul to regain consciousness and regain power over the reigns of christian life. I can't help asking WHY? Why is it so easy? Is it because our devotion is divided between God, work, job, career, friends, kids, boyfriend, husband, sports, vacations, missions what ever you enjoy in life? Do we all have a Martha complex(Luke 10) Do we tend to get caught up in the details of our jobs, friends, kids, boyfriend, husband, sports, ministry, etc. rather than knowing the fine line between working for Jesus and just being still and listening to Him. Do we spend time in His presence just being still and knowing HE IS GOD (Psalms 46:10)? I am guilty of it, planning my life, hanging with my friends, doing whatever I want, because it's my life... isn't it? See that's where I'm wrong. This life I lead isn't mine. I gave it over to Christ the day I asked for forgiveness for and salvation from my sins. This is HIS life. And i have the nerve to waste it on things of the world. All i want is all He wants for me. To walk with Him, to know Him and His will for me. I want to be with Him ever second of every day.

I went to a wedding yesterday and i was talking to Kristi about marriage and how I don't think I will ever get married. Now I have thought this for a while, but it is only recently that I have become comfortable with the idea. I have been praying about it a lot and the Lord lead me to 1 Corinthians and in chapter 7 this is what it reads:

29Now let me say this, dear brothers and sisters: The time that remains is very short, so husbands should not let marriage be their major concern. 30Happiness or sadness or wealth should not keep anyone from doing God's work. 31Those in frequent contact with the things of the world should make good use of them without becoming attached to them, for this world and all it contains will pass away. 32In everything you do, I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord's work and thinking how to please him. 33But a married man can't do that so well. He has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. 34His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be more devoted to the Lord in body and in spirit, while the married woman must be concerned about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband.

I am not saying no one should get married (1 Cor. 7:28 But if you do get married, it is not a sin). I am saying that is so much a part of our society that most people don't think twice about it. They go through the motions of life without stopping to think if this is how life is meant to be. In the words of Switchfoot "We were meant to live for so much more"

The more i fall in love with Jesus the more I fall out of love with the idea of worldly romance. I recommend to all Christian women... NO ALL WOMEN reading this entry to read a book called Captivating by Stasi and John Eldredge. John Eldredge is the man who wrote Wild At Heart. Which i hear is a wonderful book for Men...hint hint. anyway, captivating is a life changing book that helped me to better understand my role as a woman, why God created us and what our purpose is... what my purpose is. Maybe someday it will be His will for me to get married and have a family, but not now. His will is directing me away from that right now. Only time will tell.

I hope this entry can help those of you who struggle with thoughts like this as i obviously do. If you want to talk email me. I would love to hear your heart and share what Christ is teaching me.

joy_joy_bean@yahoo.com (those are underscores between the words)

Got me thinkin

God is so good to me. We spent 2 day on the road together. It was fun. I was all over western PA yesterday. Today I was in clarion mostly. It was kind of sad to be there with no one there and the facts hitting me hard 'I graduated' I feel a connection with that place, is that weird? no one was there, but it still felt like home to me. Yes weird that no one was there, but still. I don't know...

I was thinking a few wks ago about some of my friends. Individual people. I was thinking of how we all have struggles very unique to who we are. It breaks my heart when I hear one of them say they are worthless. It is when you are at your lowest that Christ can come in and use you to His fullest. Some of my friends break my heart because they do not think they are loveable. It makes my stomache hurt, because I love them. They are very special to me, each and every last one of them. Someone told me a few days ago that He is FINALLY learning to accept love... I can not tell you how happy I was for that him. He is one of my closest and dearest friends and I love him so much. And He knows and accepts it and that is the greatest gift he could have ever given me. He may never know how much that means to me. Each one of my friends has brought beauty into my life, each one has taught me something crucial about myself, God, life and/or love. None of them could be exchanged or erased. They each make their own mark on others whether its long or short term relationship, deep or surface relationship.

At the first base ball game I went to tis summer I looked out over the crowd of a packed stadium and I thought 'Its no wonder people can feel insignificant in numbers like these with no guidance or direction. Everyone fending for themselves.'

Everyone wants to live in their own house and not be bothered by neighbors. They can do what they want behind closed doors and not be convicted because no one knows, no one sees. It is amazing how many people do not know thier neighbors.

I think thats why i liked college so much, everyone was right there. I could talk to people when I was stuggling, encourage and build up my friends when needed, hold eachother accountable, challenge eachother to grow and deepen our walks with our Lord.

I'll never have that again. It's sad, i offer to you who are still in school, soak it up, every minute. Enjoy the time you have while you have it because it goes fast.

Wow its late, very... g'night.

God is so good.