originally written on face book back in Nov of 2006

Romans 8:32

"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

One of my dear friends called me tues night to talk to me about this verse. He explained to me how this verse spoke to him... (i hope i can explain this well) God gave everything for us, He allowed His only son to be brutally tortured and murdered so that we could be freed from our sin. Why would he hold anything back from us? He gave us life to be more abundant, not to take things away. His son died so we may live life to the fullest. Why would He deny us love? hope? community? friendship? We experience the good with the 'bad'. God allows us to experience struggles to become stonger in spirit, to endure and preserve. We learn through the hard times and celebrate through the good times.

I think he was trying to tell me not to be afraid of life. As long as we stay close with God we should expereince all life has to offer. If we are close with God He will let us know if we are getting of track with His will.

I do believe we go through rough times for a reason. But i never really thought of the good times as something we need to go through as well. Its true though, we need the good just as much as the bad. even more so than the bad.

anyway, i am multitasking, so i am not sure if this is very clear, but i would like to hear feed back if at all possible. i have a good chunk of that chapter written below so you can read the verse in context. thanks!

Romans 8:18-39

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?

-- He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? --

Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Lizzy & GG

bc of you
i am who i am
laugh louder & love deeper
bc i had the chance to know you
to be a part of your life
i smile longer & forgive more
i am more gracious and giving
i know i am not perfect
i know i probably hurt you
at some point along the way
but you always loved me
always hugged me
held me when i cried
listened to my fears
my hopes and my dreams
you always supported me
always loved me, always forgave me
you always smiling when i walked in the door
and you saw the positive in everything
i hope i was able to be the kind of friend to you as you have been to me
i miss you
and i will continue to miss you forever
you changed my life
bc of you i am a better person.
i love you
if i told you everyday that i loved you it still would not be enough
i hope to someday aspire to be as amazing
as you have proven to be time and time again.
my heart and thoughts linger on thoughts of you
thank you for loving me.
you showed me what family is,
what love and joy are
and i will continue to try and emulate these qualities i admire so much in you

i don't know how to end this...
so i'm just going to say 'see you later'
bc one day i WILL see you again
and i love you.

drama drama drama

i think i have had enough drama for one year.... when is it going to STOP?!?!

i feel like someone beat me with a baseball bat. tire, bruised, emotionally exsausted.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore...

Lord... please? no more...

*sigh

crac\ke/d,
.................bre
.....................akin
...........................g,
.............................. bro..e
.....t..re.........................k..n,
s....te
.ca.......d
.................pieces on
........................the ground
.......What is next?

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

....HOPE ... COMFORT ... FAITH...

....LOVE NEVER FAILS

He waits for me to let go and collapse in his arms so he can take care of it ALL.

'hear my tears, watch them fall
.........................this will be my prayer tonight
hold me close, feel me cry
......................this will be my prayer tonight
i can’t find the words, but i know you hear
................................................................. …..my tears'

transfered... from facebook

So if you could not tell by the previous 4 posts... I enjoy Beverly Mitchells new CD. My blogger is not connecting so I guess I will use facebook tonight... so much is going on lately... very busy and consequently very stressed. GG went into the hospital Monday and they are kept her a few days. I think she is coming home tomorrow. Anyway, lots to do. I am apt hunting… hoping to be out and in b early June! We shall see how that goes… God it’s all you!

One of my friends asked me earlier the wk why I don’t date… I feel like I have to explain this a lot. I’m the type of person who like to acquire friends. I don’t like messy break ups or broken relationships… which seems to happen after the dating is over. I don’t know when/if I will date… like the previous post ‘if it ain’t true’… what’s the point in getting all caught up in a relationship if its not real true love. No I know some of you will say that’s how you get to know the other person… by dating and hanging out one on one… and while I semi agree… I would much rather get to know someone in a group setting and become friends first… that way if dating is an option if it does not work out we can hopefully be friends afterwards.

May be I am just saying this bc I am terrified of commitment, marriage is a BIG decision… I don’t know… maybe I will never get married. Maybe he’s out there somewhere… Either way I know now is not the time…. Too much to do… I need to get a little more settled and a little less broken. This has been a really HARD year. But God has pulled through and is still leading me through this jungle of chaos. Maybe I will hit a valley by my birthday… Texas here I come! Now I must leave my quite space and enter back into the madness.

PS – as for true love, I believe true, God love is more than between to people… it’s God’s people lovin’ on each other and the world. I don't think true love should wait i think true love should love now, everyone you can... 1 cor 13 style … but this is a whole other post for a whole other time.

giving it back ;o)

the truth shall set you free

I have been avoiding life lately…. People and things… there were only a few people I would go to and find shelter in their company. The time of year has come when people scatter. As so they had to go, so I withdrew a little more. Desiring to be out amongst people and friends, but scared to death to let anyone see the truth of my brokenness.

I took a step of courage yesterday and decided to go to a bible study I had only been to twice, over a month and a half ago. I went expecting to read the bible and listen to others contemplate its meaning. Instead when I got there, I found that since so few people showed up Justin wanted to have an intimate time sharing and praying, being honest with each other and with God. Everyone was uneasy at first. A few people spoke about some little things and Justin looked at me and asked if I had anything to share.

I took a deep breath and said, ‘well that I a loaded question for me?’ I had given the nutshell version to Justin and Isaac earlier and now was getting into some deeper issues of what had/has been going on with me… and I cried… finally let myself go…in front of these people i have met tiwce in my life...
and I laughed bc that’s what I do when I am in a group of people and don’t want them to feel uncomfortable with me being a wreck… although I think sometimes it makes them more uncomfortable. But it was good to share and let go, I shared and seth, Mallory and Justin gave me a hugs… I love hugs!

I love hugs from people who care. There are a few hugs in the past few months that I look back on and it’s a comforting to think about. You know those hugs you get when you about to break and all that is holding you together is that hug. Hopefully I will have more opportunities to hang out with them, they are a great group of people. We’ll see how life goes… I really need to set goals and prioritize… I was doing well towards the beginning of the year and then my life got rearranged when lizzy died and I just never got back on track. She would not want me to keep putting it off… she would want me to get the most out of life.

So I will…Going to look @ an apt tonight… SO excited! I can not wait to get a place of my own.
time to go... ;o)


i know i am pretty scattered. . . what else is new. :op

~*~ finding JOY in the Dark ~*~

unexpected blessings

I am SO blessed. little blessings are popping out of the most unexplected places. I have a feeling it is always like this, i am just blinded by 'stuff' and do not see it. I really need to make it a continuous practice, not a once a month or once in a while thing, but every day ... multiple times a day step back and realize the brlessings that are all around me.

I am the most selfish person i know. When i tell my friends that they laugh at me, but i know what is goes on in my head and i can be a real jerk. idk. I really want to be more.... i want to love deeper, serve passonatly, spread joy like a wild fire, hope abundanly and have faith as solid as a rock... i want to be so many things i am not. *sigh

i am starting to get really distracted (not hard for me latly)... so i am out for now.

Friday night FUEL

I am such a jerk. So many people have is far worse that me and yet i am negative? that's not right. I am told that its ok to feel the way i feel, but i do not thinkit is ok. I thinki should be living in the joy of God and to a very small degree i have, but i need to not be so negative when things get so hard and negative around me... something to work on. Steve had a near death experience and he was the most joyful person there. I want so much to resonate Gods Joy and finally live up to my name. ;o)

Anyway, i went to fuel friday night. We talked @ fuel about where our joy comes from. I have not had much lately and i have been fully aware of it and completely hated that fact, but had no idea how to get it back. Does that make sense? I felt like i was inside a robot. I knew what was going on around me, but i could not change how i felt a bout it. I don't know if there is an adaquate way to explain it. Here are some verses steve used during his talk...

Romans 7:18
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

Galations 5:16-17
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want

James 1:17
good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows

Philipians 4:6-8
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

What do you think about this...
Our greatest role as Christians is to meditate (recieve and spread), celebrate and pursue goodness.

We also talked about hot to full recive what God has for us. to be able to do that we need to be fully aware of our sinfulness. We have to be willing to be open about our sin and confess and repent of it. A friend of mine told me once that if we dwell on our sins it is like crucifying christ all over again. He died already for our sins. Don't dwell on the sin, be aware you are a sinner and thank and praise God for dying for your sins.

There will always be horrible things going on in this world, but i think if we can still see hope and beauty and love we will have joy.

A friend of mine used to say 'Don't feel your way into acting, act you way into feeling'... meaning don't let you feeling take over you life, act happy and think of happy thinga and you will become happy.

time to go... more later... :o)

God Talk

I called a friend last night just to hear him talk about God. He is very passionate about God, always has been and continues to grow in his faith. He is one of my favorite people ever. I love listening to him talk about God… Scripture he’s read and pondered, church sermons he’s heard, books he’s read or just what God is doing in his own life. I am lacking Christian community and I hate it. I miss college when we all lived in the same building and could see people anytime. Now I drive anywhere from 45-90 minutes to find a few people to hang out with, not necessarily to share about God, just to feel human and included in the human race. I don’t like how we have evolved as far as living as individuals, and yet I contradict myself by wanting to get an apt and move out of my parents place (finally). Right now I am very hungry for God. I will sit and listen to anyone who has anything valid to say. I am excited to hang out with some fuelers tonight, should be some good conversation. A lot of them are very couples focused right now, I don’t see that happening to me for quite some time. My mom was 27 when she met and married my dad so I am not worried, I have a while.

I have 5 tests this wkend… yuck. I am not looking forward to school this wkend at all… I am thinking about whether I can do another year of these wkend classes, it’s really hard right now with everything else going on… I guess we’ll see what happens. Until then taking it all to God in prayer.
Well I best be going…. So much to do and so little time… God Bless ;o)

More Positive ramblings

As i drove in this mornign i had this overwhelming feeling of satisfaction. I love the drive to work, i love the new building, i love my desk and i love what i do. Yesterday was insanely crazy, but you'll have that with anything you still with for a period of time. Everything we go through in life will have its rough spots, as long as the desire is there and we have the strength to keep pushing we'll get through it. Support of loved ones helps a lot as well. I have been focusing on the people not supporting me instead of those who have been... i am going to switch myfocus and focus on those who have been there for me. I have this really annoying habit of wantin to be friends with everyone and wanting everryone to be friends, i know this is an impossible feat, but how cool would that be if everyone could see eachother and enjoy their differnces instead of separating them selfves bc of the differnced.... i don't know... i think everybody wants to be known. Everyobody wants to share part of themselves. I mean think about it, there are so many online journals in which people share their lives. Some share more than others, but the purpose is for people to read it and to have some insight into their life. The danger in that lies when people make assumptions. The written word can be open to interpretation, but when you are talkingto someone their tone and body language can narrow down the meaning. I am a BIG fan of one on ones and group interations... hangin out with friends. Obviously i am also an online journaler as well... it's a little insight into my life, take it as you will.

Lunch is almost over... time to get back to work ;o)

Long day

Today was a really crapy day. i barely got any sleep last night then i got woken up by my sister who woke up 2 hrs b4 i had to be up. then it was one thing after another at work... everything going worng, given work w/o all the information i needed to properly complete it. I got pen ink on my new shirt and i have been feeling really sick lately. I have 2 dr.s appointments next wk, shooting for 3... we'll see. Apparently there could be some thigns going on in me that are genetic, soo not i have to get checked out for all these things. I hate with a deep passion medical tests.

anyway, I started bringing a journal to work with me. So many things go through my head during the day that i can't hold onto bc of all the craziness throughout the day. I have been really distracted lately and lonely. I know i am still young and time to find prince charming, heck mom was 27 when she met and married dad... but it doesn't mean the wait is any easier.

I feel like I'm changing against my will, whether i like it or not. I can't stop what's going on in my head or my heart. I feel a loss of controland i can't seem to get a grip. When I feel overwhelmed or trapped (which has been a lot lately) i just want to run, get away and breathe. I feel like there is a battle ragiung in my head that can neither influence nor win.

I am told this is normal for a person in my circumstances, but i don't want to feel/be this way. it's so depressing. I just want my joy back, my laid back playful side... i want it back, but i can't seem to let go of this hurt. *sigh*

I guess the only thing to do now is look forward and keep chuggin along, looking towards and hoping for a better time. I don't understand life right now, so i just have to trust that God is doing something beyond my view. I am getting tire... 11pm and i am read y to crash... it has really been a long day.

thats all for now.

I miss rambling

So it has been a few months since I have written. And i am pretty scattered so i am not claiming to make any sense. But i miss writing so here we go...

The job has moved to Cranberry and I am looking for an apt. up this way. Hopefully I’ll have one by the end of may. Lizzy passed away April 12th and it hurts. This is the first time my heart has ever been broken. I feel like someone tore my heart out, ripped it to pieces, threw it on the floor and stomped all over it.

I don’t want to talk about that right now… I know it’s not good to avoid issues, but I havn’t been able to bring myself to talk about it or whats going on in my head bc of it.

Mandy and I dorve to Niagra falls and back on Saturday. SUPER fun. I had never been (maybe when I was 3, but that doesn’t count bc I don’t remember it.)
It was nice to get away and take a trip with a good friend. I love road trips.
I have also been trying to figure out my faith, which is as solid as a rock, but chages like the tide... if that makes any sense.

Lately I have just wanted to die, but obvious that’s not in Gods plan now. So I truck on. I spent last week trying to run away from everyone and everything I know… but I feel like I am strapped on the end of a bungee cord and it has maxed out…. So I am flying back, but not with out some scraps and bruises. I am never sorry for any experience bc I truly believe that nothing is a waste if it adds to the person you are becoming.

What do I know though… my mind as been so scrambled the past month, I just ramble on…

One of my favorite songs resonates in my head ‘Hear My Tears’, bc that is all I can do. I want so much to Do Gods will. I have been thinking more and more of going back to China to teach. I will have to wait until school is over, but we will see where I am then… till then I appreciate all prayers. I am lacking community here… maybe I will find some when I get my place up in cranberry… again time will tell. The future is a rather frightening thing.

So for now I wait on God. ‘Be still and know I am God’

time to go... i'll do some more rambling later.

NEW JOB!!!

I feel weird leaving, voluntarily a job that i have been at for technically 16 months. Life has had a way of pushing me to the next stage in life, and now i have to chose where i go. Like this... when primary school is over i go to secondary school, when that is over i went to college, when that was over i moved back home got a job. I have had this job for a while, it is a good job, but its not cutting it... i need more. i have to tell this job i am leaving and i find it wierd to tell people i won't be comign back. Most of them are really happy for me. but something in me feels akward.
Anyway, i am super excited to chaging scenes and hopefully buying my own house this year! yay!

I feel like life is moving and i am reaching my goals and moving to the places God has been preparing me for and putting on my heart to go after. Things are starting to fit and move to what i have been visioning. What the future holds i do not know, but i will continue to dream and push toward my goals.

on the rise

so its been a wk and so far my spirits are on the rise! I think it is bc of school. I LOVE school. Learnign massage and wholistic living tips. That is where i belong. It is practical infomation that is useful for day to day living and it impacts everybody. And I absolutley LOVE talking to people about their specific needs and trying to help meet those needs to enhance their way of living.

I think we have lost the way of loving that God intended. There are so many natural remedies that God gave us that we have at our disposal, but we would rather take these chemically generated drugs, that while cureing the one ailment can cause 10 other side effects and sometimes leave permenant damage. I have always been leary about taking medication.

Anyway i think that is another reason why i am enjoyinf learning about wholistic living, bc it is mor natural and better for you. Plus it not only helps you to get better when you are sick, but it also helps to enhace your quality of life when you are well. I just LOVE it.

I am also excited about this book study that was started on sunday with a group of my girls. It will help us focus on God. There has been alot of boy talk lately an this book should help us refocus. It is not to make us content until mr.right comes. It is to shape us in to women who will live a live that glorifies God. If that involves a man good, if not that's fine too. It about being the right woman, not finding the right man.

Anyway i am excited about it. I think it will be good for us. Although i would rather to do a BIBLE study and not so much a book study, but i will take what i can get and make the most of it.

There have been so many changes already this year and there are so many to come. I am thourghly excited about this year. I guess we will see what comes of it as we live it out.

A new Year with a fresh start....

2007

I am hoping that since 7 is one of my lucky #'s that this will be a lucky year for me. There is much to hope for and look forward to this year.

I am making goals that i will check every month. i think i need to be more aware of my progress than i have been in the past. there is SO much i want to accomplish, but i am coming to realizethat i can not expect others to help me with these bc they are tied upin lilves of their own. Nor can i support others as much as i would like... not from where i am now. I would like to do so much more than i am capable of, but unfortunatly i have limits.

Anyway, I am completely syked about this year.... i think it is going to be amazing! i guess we'll just have to see. I need to learn to be more positive. I have found myself being very negative about my life the past few wks. This year one of my focuses is to be more positive, outgoing and service oriented. These are my quotes to live by for the year...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?Actually, Who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

"The challenge for Christians then is to live with great passion and conviction, remaining open and flexible, aware that this life is not the last painting...the Christian faith is alive only when it is listening, morphing, innovationg, letting go of whatever has gotten in the way of Jesus and embracing whatever will help us be more the people God wants us to be."
- Rob Bell

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you"
Romans 12:1-2

the end (for now)