I was working at the 5*59 table before church stated and an old friend came over and started talking to me. He is quite a chatter box, its so funny to lidsten to him sometimes. Anyway, he is going to Africa this fall to study abroad. He went to Asia a year ago i think... He wanted to go to China, but they couldn't. Sorry tangent again, He is graduating in Dec. and we were talking about how weird it feels to be back. So much has changed. Just thinking about the future is a scary thing. We both feel out of place at times, IN OUR OWN CHURCH! thats nuts. But that talk with him, understanding and kow where he is coming from helped me to understand and know I do belong here. I was sitting in the church cafe when we were talking and i started to look around at houndreds of people eating together, talking together, laughing together. It was a beautiful thing. People I didn't really know coming up to me and talking to me. Shell, my good friend comign over and sharing her struggles with me. People I knew in high school now wanting to be closer to find a conection, becoming friends. Grant got his degree in general studies as well, which makes me feel better. I always feel like a loser or a cop out when i get the question 'what's your degree for?' and i tell them 'general studies' I always get a look or some comment. One guy told me stright out I wasted four years of my life on a useless degree. Talk ing to grant def. made me feel better. Neither of us reall knows what we are doing after college, but thats ok. I am just glad I have some one to talk to, some one who can not only relate to how I feel, but feels the same. I am not feeling the anxiousness I once was about being here. For the first time I look back to clarion and I realize its all memories, I am not going back... I have always known it, but it didn't really sink in. I am excited to move on with life. I am not as weird and ackward as I had once thought. It is normal what I am going through. Kristi is going to help me get my resume out and my new friends at church, well its just nice to have friends close by, well closer than clarion. a half hours drive isn't too bad.
Moral of the story: I am comfortable being me and being here. ok i am done rambling now.
What has God got in store for me now?
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Letting God
I have a peace about me which I normally would not have right now. I trust God is in control and He will bring you back to where He wants you, where you need to be............
(rewind) I feel sick that I can not be there with you. The one bad thing about haveing friends all over the globe is that you can not always be with them when they are going through something rough. Although sometimes it is a good thing, God can work better with out my interference. I wan to be an encouragment and comfort to you in any way I can.
I know you do not know to the full extent or fully believe me whan I say this, but it's true, and you can't change the facts: You have taught me things only you could teach, you have done things for me only you could do, you have been my mentor and my friend and I love you more than I could ever express in words. I want to see your dreams come true, I will support ou in anything you want to do. I may not be able to go with you, but I am there in spirit. You are forever on my heart and in my prayers. You do not have to do anything or be someone else to gain my attention. Be yourself... no, your not perfect. Yes, you have flaws... and I love them. They are what make you uniquely you. I may get frusterated with you and even sometimes a little angry, but it is through those times that I learn the most from you, from our relationship. I know you feel you should give more, but you have given me more than you realize, more than you may ever know. I am so grateful to have you as a friend. You make me happy and I hurt thinking of how much pain you are in. My heart broke when I was listening to you. Take all the time you need, its ok to be angr with God as long as you talk to Him and ou are honest with Him. I will be praying for you as you seek after Him. I love you! This is just another low and we will get through it. (fast forward)
About an hour-ish ago I was was broken into piece bc a friend of mine is haveing a very rough time and I can not go to him. I can not be there for him. But I think it is best. I can not get in the way of God's work if I am not there.
Lord, I pray you hear my brothers tears tonight. Hold him and hear his crys of anger and disappointment. Take care of him and help him to understand or at least come to a peace about this.
(rewind) I feel sick that I can not be there with you. The one bad thing about haveing friends all over the globe is that you can not always be with them when they are going through something rough. Although sometimes it is a good thing, God can work better with out my interference. I wan to be an encouragment and comfort to you in any way I can.
I know you do not know to the full extent or fully believe me whan I say this, but it's true, and you can't change the facts: You have taught me things only you could teach, you have done things for me only you could do, you have been my mentor and my friend and I love you more than I could ever express in words. I want to see your dreams come true, I will support ou in anything you want to do. I may not be able to go with you, but I am there in spirit. You are forever on my heart and in my prayers. You do not have to do anything or be someone else to gain my attention. Be yourself... no, your not perfect. Yes, you have flaws... and I love them. They are what make you uniquely you. I may get frusterated with you and even sometimes a little angry, but it is through those times that I learn the most from you, from our relationship. I know you feel you should give more, but you have given me more than you realize, more than you may ever know. I am so grateful to have you as a friend. You make me happy and I hurt thinking of how much pain you are in. My heart broke when I was listening to you. Take all the time you need, its ok to be angr with God as long as you talk to Him and ou are honest with Him. I will be praying for you as you seek after Him. I love you! This is just another low and we will get through it. (fast forward)
About an hour-ish ago I was was broken into piece bc a friend of mine is haveing a very rough time and I can not go to him. I can not be there for him. But I think it is best. I can not get in the way of God's work if I am not there.
Lord, I pray you hear my brothers tears tonight. Hold him and hear his crys of anger and disappointment. Take care of him and help him to understand or at least come to a peace about this.
Monday, May 16, 2005
my thoughts
so i went to my first bible study of the summer for the plus 20 group. I feel that I am goign to be disapointed with the group. It is not as intense as the clarion bible studies. It is all women and they do not seem very enthusiastic. Hopefully it changes. I am trying to get involved more with my church now that i have graduated and will be around more... well, after china I will. I volunteered to be a cell group leader in the fall.... not sure what I may have gotten myself into there. I also offered to help Kelly with the plus 20 group. She is a bit overwhelmed right now and I want to be a support for her. I am hoping to go to lunch with her next week, bc we really don't know eachother, and we talked tonight about how women need to form relationships to be able to trust people. I agree to an extent... someone has to be vulnerable first... here it goes...
I reall don't know what to expect out of this summer or out of life from this point out... but i am willing to take the nessesary steps to get involved and help out where needed. Believe it or not, I can be a very shy person. Especially around people I do not know very well. Although I grew up in my church (20 years!!!) I do not know many people my age. The ones I did know have left and new ones are coming, there are some of the old ones that stayed, but i didn't know them well growing up... in a youth group of 300ish kids its hard to get to know everyone.
Bottom line I am pushing my self out of my comfort zone... this will be a growing and stretching experience for me. And hopefully I will make some new friends. I doubt as good as the ones I already have, but I guess we'll see.
I reall don't know what to expect out of this summer or out of life from this point out... but i am willing to take the nessesary steps to get involved and help out where needed. Believe it or not, I can be a very shy person. Especially around people I do not know very well. Although I grew up in my church (20 years!!!) I do not know many people my age. The ones I did know have left and new ones are coming, there are some of the old ones that stayed, but i didn't know them well growing up... in a youth group of 300ish kids its hard to get to know everyone.
Bottom line I am pushing my self out of my comfort zone... this will be a growing and stretching experience for me. And hopefully I will make some new friends. I doubt as good as the ones I already have, but I guess we'll see.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
It Came to Pass
It came to pass... it did not come to stay. My time in clarion is up.
Wow, I had a melt down this week. I was trying so hard to be strong in clarion because everyone around me was freaking out and crying over graduation. When I got home I crash landed. I had a meltdown. I couldn't cry when everyone else was crying. I couldn't be sad, I had to be strong. I love clarion and its contents so much. I had to be strong to help everyone else be strong. I don't know how to not be strong when everything is going crazy around me. Its like a instinct or a reaction. Its just how I work. If there is someone stronger that I know can handle it, I allow myself to break, but with everyone breaking, even strong male figures in my life, I had to be strong. I don't want people to be sad that I left. This is not the end. There will always be a next time, there is never a final goodbye. Plus I promised many of you I would stay in touch and visit and you are all always welcome in my home anytime.
Talking to Faith, Kristi and Holly helped me realize it’s not so bad in the 'real world', not as terrifying as I sometimes dream it up to be. I am not where I thought I would be 10 years ago; not surprising. This is the first time in my life that I don’t know what is up ahead; what the next step is going to be. I don’t know what to expect. That is what makes this an adventure. I need to stop being so analytical and just live life. sometimes I can think myself into a craze.
Pray, thats what I need to do, so goodnight... I am off to do some heavy praying.
God, what is it you want me to do with this life you granted me? What is your plan for this intimidated little girl? Please lead me to where it is you want me, guide me in Your will NOT mine. Take all of me.
I love you Jesus, all I want is all You want for this undeserving soul.
Wow, I had a melt down this week. I was trying so hard to be strong in clarion because everyone around me was freaking out and crying over graduation. When I got home I crash landed. I had a meltdown. I couldn't cry when everyone else was crying. I couldn't be sad, I had to be strong. I love clarion and its contents so much. I had to be strong to help everyone else be strong. I don't know how to not be strong when everything is going crazy around me. Its like a instinct or a reaction. Its just how I work. If there is someone stronger that I know can handle it, I allow myself to break, but with everyone breaking, even strong male figures in my life, I had to be strong. I don't want people to be sad that I left. This is not the end. There will always be a next time, there is never a final goodbye. Plus I promised many of you I would stay in touch and visit and you are all always welcome in my home anytime.
Talking to Faith, Kristi and Holly helped me realize it’s not so bad in the 'real world', not as terrifying as I sometimes dream it up to be. I am not where I thought I would be 10 years ago; not surprising. This is the first time in my life that I don’t know what is up ahead; what the next step is going to be. I don’t know what to expect. That is what makes this an adventure. I need to stop being so analytical and just live life. sometimes I can think myself into a craze.
Pray, thats what I need to do, so goodnight... I am off to do some heavy praying.
God, what is it you want me to do with this life you granted me? What is your plan for this intimidated little girl? Please lead me to where it is you want me, guide me in Your will NOT mine. Take all of me.
I love you Jesus, all I want is all You want for this undeserving soul.
Monday, May 02, 2005
FINAL thoughts
I was able to keep myself composed until saturday at the banquet. I didn't cry because I am leaving and I am scared to go into the world. That's not it at al, as a matter of fact I am excited to see what God has in store for me. (When He fills me in, I'll let you all know) The reason I was crying was because I was/am so extremely happy. I know weird right... I love Clarion SO MUCH! I love the town, I love the people, I love the college, I love the students, I love all my friends. I am going to miss you all so much. I am goingto miss the town, I am going to miss the community, I am going to miss my friends, I am going to miss the classes, BUT I will not miss the HW, tests and grades. I am going to miss haveing friends living right down the hall. I am going to miss gemmell lunches when 20+ people show up, I am going to miss IV in all its facets, I am going to miss being an RA and all my residents, I am going to miss walking down to the hill, cemetary , sheets, etc. in the middle of the night. I am going to miss 1st baptist and the family there within. I am going to miss Jesus Freaks and the family i have there and the growth I endured there. I am going to miss watching each one of my friends here grow and change everyday. I am going to miss watching the beauty of my friends smiles, laughs, faces, thoughts. I seriously can not express how much my friends mean to me. God has blessed me so incredibly much. I did not realize how much of an impact I made here until saturday when my brothers and sisters got up at the banquet and expressed how I had an impact on them, how i impacted their life. It was then that I realized that I had become the person I was striving to be all my life. I know I still have a lot of areas to work on, God is not done with me yet, but the person they were describing.. that's who I wanted to be and still strive to become. I am creating some new aspirations for my life, new goals. With a little God power, it'll be no problem to accomplish.
One of the things that was hard for me was watching my frineds cry b/c I was leaving. That was weird, I didn't expect that, especially to the extent it was. I do not want you to be upset that I am leaving. This is a new chapter in all of our lives. I am not gone for good. You each have a place in my heart that is totally yours. No matter haow many miles or years separate us you will always be welcomed wherever I go. I know some times you don't know what you had til it's gone, but i can honestly and happily say, I do not regret one moment I spent here in clarion. I had my ups and, boy did I have my downs all of them learning experiences, all of them to better myself and the kingdom.
"Don't cry because it's over, Smile because it happened."
I will be back to visit... for now I Love you all, and wish you all the best in all you do. I am interested to look back 2-3-4 years from now and see what God has done in our lives. God is changing you. I see it everyday, put all those days together and look back...WOW! You all Rock my Socks Off! You are all amazing people rocking out!
I will be back to visit... for now I Love you all, and wish you all the best in all you do. I am interested to look back 2-3-4 years from now and see what God has done in our lives. God is changing you. I see it everyday, put all those days together and look back...WOW! You all Rock my Socks Off! You are all amazing people rocking out!
My Friend
Plus One
We are standing at the crossroads
And now it's time
For you to go your way
And me to go mine
I will pray the Lord
Will keep you safe
Until the day I see your face again
My friend
We have been through so much
And you have been my Godsend
With your sure and steady love
My friend
You know I will be there
If you ever need
'Cause you've always
Been a friend to me
I may travel the world over
But one thing I know for sure
One day this road will lead me
Back 'round to your door
I will pray the Lord
Will keep you safe
Some bonds are just too strong
To break in the end
My friend
We have been through so much
And you have been my Godsend
With your sure and steady love
My friend
You know I will be there
If you ever need
'Cause you've always
Been a friend to me
Nothing will change the way
I feel about you
Not the miles or the years
Or the place this life takes me to
My friend
We have been through so much
And you have been my Godsend
With your sure and steady love
My friend
You know I will be there
If you ever need
'Cause you've always
Been a friend to me
you've always
Been a friend to me