runaway, runaway!

today was a good day i had 3 interviews, i ate lunch with GG and the weather was beautiful... although i did get lost for about an hour and a half. over all a good day.
When i came out of my first inteview i was walking to my car that was parked on the street and a young man yell to me from across the street. i didn't realize at first that he was yell at me. he asked me for a quarter as he passed through the cars stopped at a red light. i was thinking this was a bit odd, but i reached into my purse and pulled out a quarter for him. then something happened that set off an alarm in my head and i panicked. He asked me for my phone number! I was fumbling with my keys as i tried to think of a responce. He leaned up against the car in expectaion. "no, sorry" i answered. "but why" he asked accusingly. "i'm not dating right now, i have other things i am focusing on, like geting a job." he told me he understood and he respected that. i was a bit confused because i had never even met the guy before in my life, it didn't matter to me if he understood. this is how things are. i got in my car and fled off towards grant street a little flustered. no one had ever hit on me before, it was kind of flattering in a scary sort of way. he didn't even tell me his name and he thought he would get my number?!?!
and for those of you who are bound to ask, yes he was quite good looking. ;o)

life, love and other annoying habits

life has become annoying lately. we talked about spirital awakening at Fuel, and as i look around i see that most of the world is dead. like machines doing what they have to do. i am so terrified to live a monotonous life... day in and day out doing the same thing from dusk to dawn. I want spark, i want randomness, i want life. i just don't know how to get it. I am being told i have to do what i have to do... but i am young. i don't have anything holding me down so why do i have to settle now? i mean if i have a husband and kids sure i can understand. i would have something to wake up for everyday. i am convinced i am going to become the crazy old lady on the corner because i am so picky and can't settle for anything less than what i want.
i can identify with Anne Shirley, Josephine (Jo) March, Elizabeth Bennet and Danielle De Barbarac. All of them strong women who knew what they wanted. Anne was a hopeless romantic who was convinced she would become come like Marila, grow old alone. Jo did not want things to change. She wanted her family to always be together and to just add to it, but never take away and never get married. She knew she would grow up to be an old spinster. Elizabeth was more of a free spirit. she knew things were going to change, but she didn't mnd as long as she got to decide the changes that impacted her directly. Especially marriage, she would not settle for Mr. Collins. She would rather grow old alone. Danielle on the other hand had her focus in a totally different place. she didn't even think of marriage. that is until she accidentally fell in love. Danielle had a mission and in the midst of that mission a charming fellow got her to fall in love with out her being aware of it.
Like all these women i do not often think of dating or marriage. i have a larger purpose, serving God and others. life can get a bit frusterating when you don't know where life is taking you. I am on a mission and there is only one thing that know will happen... i would tell you but that would ruin it. i can't give you everything.
so, i wait. i wait for the day when i get my Gilbert Blithe (who was exceedingly patient with Anne), my Friedrich Bhaer (who is brutally honest and challenged Jo to be the best she could), my Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy (who was loyal and loved so deeply) and my Prince (charming) Henry (who fought for her, he would not lose his 'match')
i have no idea if i will spend the rest of my life alone or if one day my knight in shing armor will come and sweep me off my feet. its a lovely thought, but only God knows what lies ahead.
i do know i have been listening to a lot of Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole latly... i'm gonna blame it on the spring.
wow i got way off track.
tune in next time to see how i get from 'romeo and juliet' to 'how grape juice was created'... lol, that one was for JWags.

so lost

i am so confused about everything... i feel like i am odd. ok, picutre a puzzel: your down to the last piece but it doesn't fit, you turn it and flip it -no luck- then you realize its a piece from a different puzzel, but you have no idea which one or where it is, so you throw to the side and it gets lost... slips down a crack or somethin. Thats how i feel, out of place.
i am so confused on where i am supposed to be, what i should do. everything in life. i hate feeling so out of control and needless. it came to pass. i have to keep telling myself i'll get through it, it came to pass.

Lord i need help, i'm drowning here!

songs from Nat King Cole

When I fall in love

When I fall in love it will be forever

Or I’ll never fall in love

In a restless world like this is

Love is ended before it’s begun

And too many moonlight kisses

Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart it will be completely

Or I’ll never give my heart

And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too

Is when I'll fall in love with you.

L-O-V-E

L is for the way you look at me

O is for the only one I see

V is very, very extraordinary

E is even more than anyone that you adore can

Love is all that I can give to you

Love is more than just a game for two

Two in love can make it

Take my heart and please don’t break it

Love was made for me and you

by me

you just don't get it
you push me away
pretending all is good
nothing disarray
but its broken
and you did it
the trust once shared is gone
we don't talk anymore
we don't share like we once did
because its broken
its gone
and you want to pretend it never happened
that all is well with the world
so i can see
you've made up your mind
i can let go to
i won't force our friendship to last
but know i'll always love you
i guess its time to go
cause i can't fix
what you broke

God is my refuge i shall not want. even though this is a tragic event i have grown closer, more inlove with my Savior. its hard and unrelenting, but it came ot pass. not only to pass, but to teach us, to make us stronger and build us up for whats to come. i am getting comfortable living in the confusion and tension. bring it on! i can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. it came to pass and it will soon enough.

Lyrics By Plumb - Better

You live inside a dream

Everything tastes so sweet

As long as it agrees with how you feel

You're dancing in your sleep

To all the eyes that look at me

Waking your anxieties

You're so afraid, so you try to break me

Yeah I don't want to care

And I don't want to hate

And I don't want to see you fall too far away

All because of fear.

'Cause when you're afraid

You lash out at me

And you say all the things that you never meant to say

And try to break me

But in the end

What leaves you broken

In the end it makes you better

Yeah

Your face it looks so green

When the sun is shining differently

And you're standing in the shade

'Cause face to face you're sweet

Like candy sticking to my teeth

Underneath so damaging

There is no strength in trying to break me

No I don't want to care

And I don't want to hate

And I don't want to see you fall too far away

All because of fear.

Cause when you're afraid

You lash out at me and you say all the things that you never meant to say

And try to break me

But in the end

What leaves you broken

In the end it makes you better

Yeah

I don't want to hate

I don't want to be broken

I don't want to hate you

I don't want to hate

I don't want to be broken

I don't want to hate you

I don't want to care

And I don't want to hate

And I don't want to see you fall too far away

All because of fear.

Cause when you're afraid

You lash out at me

And you say all the things that you never meant to say

And try to break me

But in the end

What leaves you broken

In the end it makes you better

Yeah

thanks Jen for posting the link for Plumb... i really like these lyrics, i relate to them well... this has been my life the past few wks. I am finally breaking free.

Don't let the bed bugs bite

so the other day i watched a special on bed bugs. i didn't think they were actually real creatures. if anything i thought they were microscopic little critters that ate dried up old skin. boy was i wrong. these things suck your blood and cause itchy rashes... gross!
check it out: http://www.uky.edu/Ag/Entomology/entfacts/struct/ef636.htm
http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/2000/2105.html
they are infesting the US and the problem is said to get worse before it gets better. They have been found in 5 star hotels, on college campuses and in peoples homes. It'll make you think twice before sleep in a strange bed.

FLYLEAF - I'm SO sick

this is the type of music i listen to when i am angry... yes i do get angry. check out the website and listen to a few songs and you'll see why... i scared scott pretty bad one day with this CD.

Fully Alive
Telling layla's story spoken
About how all her bones are broken
hammers fall on all the peices
two months in the cover creases
here she stands today
in her brilliant shining way
Fully alive, more than most
ready to smile and love life.
Fully alive and she knows
How to believe in futures.
All my complaints shrink to nothing.
I'm ashamed of all my somethings.
She's glad for one day of comfort
Only because she has suffered.
here she stands today
in her brilliant shining way
Fully alive, more than most
ready to smile and love life.
Fully alive and she knows
How to believe in futures.

Perfect
Sick of circling the same road

Sick of bearing the guilt

Open the windows to cool off

Heat pours in instead
Perfect in weakness.

I'm only perfect in just your strength alone
All my efforts to clean me.

Leave me putrid and filthy

How can you look at me,

When I can't stand myself?
I'm tired to be honest... I'm nobody.
Perfect in weakness.

I'm only running in just your strength alone.

Perfect in weakness.

I'm only running in just your strength alone.
I tried to kill you. You tried to save me..You save me.

You save me. You save me.
Perfect in weakness.

I'm only running in just your strength alone.

Perfect in weakness.

I'm only running in just your strength alone.

All Around Me
My hands are searching for you...

My arms are outstretched towards you

I feel you on my fingertips...

My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire runs in through my being...

Burning...

I'm not used to seeing you
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive
I can feel you all around me,

thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling,

savoring this heart that's healed
My hands float up above me....

And you whisper you love me

And I begin to fade...

Into our secret place

The music makes me sway...

The angels singing say

We are alone with you...

I am alone and they are too with you

And so I cry...

The light is white...

And I see you...
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive
I can feel you all around me,

thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling,

savoring this heart that's healed
Take my hand I give it to you

Now you own me , all I am..

You said you would never leave me

I believe you, I beleive...

I can feel you all around me

thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling,
savoring this heart that's healed.

http://www.flyleafmusic.com/

Lyrics from Jonah 33 - the strangest day

this is it (you instead of me)

Because I’m playing for keeps this time around

I’m in too deep

To think about falling down

And giving up again

I want to live each day just like

It was my last chance to prove

You’re all I have

And that is all I need

This is it, it’s what we’re waiting for!

This is it, it’s all we’re fighting for!

I finally get a chance to show the world

What You have done for me

So let this moment be

You instead of me

Tired and bruised, every broken bone

Reminds me that I’m far from home

And these scars remind me who I am

But You’re the one

the Reason that I run

And I won’t stop until You’re done

You’re the only hope I have

I’ve counted the cost and I know

Everything that matters is

Everything worth fighting for

tell me

All of my sincere apologies
Have been redirected unto you
It seems our halos have become
Simply loopholes that we use
For re-direction
Of our imperfection
Tell me is there something I can do
For you to help you change your view
And say I am not the enemy
Tell me, tell me, tell me
It appears you’ve become so content
Handing out your stubborn judgments
So show and tell your benefits
Of your beliefs and negligence
‘cause not so long ago
You used to be the one you hate
Broken trust
And a broken life
Create in you a twisted lie
Take a second glance
At what you can fit inside of your intellect
Then tell me then
How can it be God

solution

I want to be part of the solution

Can you use me to lead a revolution

As it stands from what I see

Everyone is drowning in their need

And nobody’s got an answer

They need to see this tragedy

For what it is and what it will be

That it braces our humanity

But this problem’s not my own

I want to be part of the solution

Can you use me to lead a revolution

I want to be part of the solution

Can you use me

Can you use me

Can you use me

Part of the solution

Desensitized

Subliminal images crawl upon my screen
Taking what is meant for good
And making it obscene
I’m so amazed at what sin’s become
I don’t want to be desensitized

seach me, know me

Search me, know me

Try me and see

Every worthless affection hidden in me

All I'm asking for is that You'd cleanse me, Lord

Create in me a heart that's clean

Conquer the power of secret shame

Come wash away the guilty stain of all my sin

Clothe me in robes of righteousness

Cover my nakedness with grace

All of my life before You now I humbly bring

Burning clean

Pleasure over principle is an open throated grave
It consumes you with ideas it portrays
The latest trends and fashions
Completely stripped of passion
I separate myself from anything that doesn’t bare your name
Burning clean from everything I used to be
Burning clean from everything I used to be
Apathy reminds me that I just don’t care
About a life of love for you
About the times we shared
How long can I live with blinders on
Remove these scales from my eyes
I give you my life
Reach inside, pull it out
Anything that makes me doubt
I’ll never be what I should be

Mystery

What’s it gonna take for the dead to wake in me?

What does it require to understand this fire inside

I want to comprehend where you start and where I end

The mystery behind you is consuming me

And I call conspiracy

You made yourself an endless maze of love

So I’d never give up

Don’t want to leave this mystery

I’ll never leave this mystery

So the question goes

Will I ever fully know the significance of the promises I’m told

And with this light inside is the dark afraid of me

Will the time come that I know?

Will the time come that I know?

If you ever came to me

To give me anything, anything at all

Your wisdom’s what I need

For I am just a fiend

That craves your mystery

the strangest day

And it might be the strangest day
The moment that you break away
It feels like it’s a big mistake
Finally waking up to the strangest day
Letting go of all you know
Rearranges you
It reconstructs your point of view
As time creeps by you’ll notice
Your eyes begin to focus
Soon enough you’ll find
It doesn’t matter what you’ve left behind

I just need to let go

Hey can you hear me

I need you to know

That if it’s all right with you

I just need to let go

‘Cause time waits for no one

Life carries on

And I’ll never forget you

I just need to let go

I just need to let go

http://www.jonah33rock.com/flashmain.html

F.Y.I.

for those of you that read my blog and want to resopnd to it. AKA you have something to add: a complaint, rebuttal, correction, addional agreement, concern for my mental health, etc and so on... please DO NOT email me or IM me a response. that is why there is a comment part of the blog. Anyone no matter if you have a blog or not, young and old, friend or foe can submit a comment. so in the future i ask that everyone who has something to they want to say about my blog or the entries i write please use the comment link. thanks for your time.

frustration to the max

nothing is working smoothly... ah!

my job ended, i am having trouble finishing up school loans with fincial aid, i have no idea where my life is headed.... and no one seems to care.

well i can either sit down and bawl my eyes outs while i stress to get everything done, or try to get everything done. OR i can relax and let God take it from here.

i am done stressin and although the rents are gonna try to pressure me i am letting it go. i can't do this all the time. its not fair to me or to God. i need to trust Him.

Lord help me not to stress, help me to know you have it all under control.


Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall have renewed strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint.

still sick

now i have pnemonia. i don't feel very sick, just achy and tired. my mom and my doctor think i am nuts, i should be feeling real worse than i do. my mom says i am pale and warm(feverish). i guess that explains the hot and cold flashes i was getting last wk (and i thought i was goin through menopause). i wanted to go to work today, but i am quarentined to the house... i think i'll try to go again tomorrow.
i am really sad bc i am not allowed to go anywhere for the next 2-4 wks! and adris party is next wkend. suck.
i hate bein sick.

...back to bed, sigh.