Dark Chocolate

Smile. People will wonder what you are up to.

Love without rules.

Laugh uncontrollably... it clears the mind.

Learn something fromfrom everyone you meet.

Send a love letter this week.

Enjoy a hot bath.

Remember your first everything.

Lose yourself in a moment.

Wink at some one going by today.

Never pass up a chance to tell some one you love them.

Give lots of hugs.

Try something new everyday.

Dance like no one is watching.

Sing at the top of your lungs.

Do not hold a grudge.

Share as if you had the world to give.

Live like there's no tomorrow.

--- if u have any other words of wisdom please share them... i got most of these from Dove dark chocolate wrappers... a little piece of heaven

One Man Support Group

you know me so well
you know what i need
and when to bless me with it
thank you for the smiles
thanks you for the hugs
thank you for the music
you are always here for me
in the good and the bad
you trudge with me through the depths
and you soar with me through the air
in the excruciating pain
in total relaxation
when i am drowning in tears
when i am so happy i could bust
You are here
in the most contented time
as well as the most miserable
becaue you care for me You are here
and because you are always here with me
helping and guideing and encouraging me
i want to spread the love
i want to be there for others when they need me
i want to love, encourage
i want to help dreams come true
i want to make people smile
and laugh
i want to spread the truth of your love
all over the world
Because I love you back

a year later....

lets see how i am doing on the goals i set up a year ago (see sept 12, 2005 entry)..........

1) brush up on my chinese and Italian~ this is not goin so well, i have lost a lot of my chinese.

2) go to massage therapy school~ I am enrolled to start October 7th @ Pittsburgh School of Massage in Penn Hills!!!! yay!

3) Get a job~ i work in customer service at a pharmacy... its not bad, it pays the bill, but it is not something i want to do forever.

4) get a car~ i now own JR, my pontiac vibe <3

5) go back to China and teach english. (i am willing to substitute another country if i feel led)~hoping by the time i am 30.

6) take some culinary arts classes~no classes yet, but i am experimenting more with my meals.

7) find a church and get involved.~ I go to Riverside Community Church (RCC) in Oakmont and i am pretty involved with FUEL the young adults ministry... i tried helping out with child ministry, but they needed more of a time commitment than i was able to give (meetings, traing, interviews, sat, sun, wen) i wanted to help otu Sunday school, but without all the meetings and training i am not able to help out at all.

8) get a place of my own.~ not even close to being able to do this yet, but want to really bad!

9) Read~ i have read many books and parts of many books.... still not as much as i would like though, but i am reading more than i did last year.

5 out of 9 is not bad.... still working on accoplishing the other ones and coming up with new goals as well - gina and i want to go to italy next year.

fear

i remain distant because i am afraid

afraid of loving you

afraid of you not loving me back

its easier this way

i don't know how to free myself

from this dictation of fear

only you can free me

but will you try?

i don't want you to get hurt

but i know i am sure to hurt you

because i am terrified

of what is to come

keeping my distance

is the easiest thing i know how to do

i feel trapped inside this body

inside this relm of thought

i find it difficult to break free

sometimes i try

then i think of you

do you know what i am going through?

would you care?

i have locked my self in a dark room

and lost the key

is there anyone who can help me?

will i ever get out?

i want to love again

but i feel like i will never be allowed

to love freely

my heart breaks

at the thought of losing you forever

it aches more to know

you were never mne to lose

how are we to get along in this world

when we are pursued by darkness

it follows me wherever i go

seeping into my mind

into my heart

my will fights against it

a battle goes on in my soul

i tire of it

i long to be with you

but is there reason to continue fighting?

is there reason to live

knowing i may never

see your face again?

knowing you may never know

the loss i feel for you

my heart breaks

torn in parts

i love you more than you may never know

i'm letting go

my life is not meant to be a life

in love

a life with me at your side

my life will have love

but a very different kind of love

a love that will allow me to be with many

to serve and build and dream

for many

but not with you

you have another life to lead

letting you go is the hardest thing

i have yet ever had to do

the hardest part though

is that you havn't a clue

good-bye sweet love

i'd give you my heart

but it already belongs to another

my heart both aches and fills with joy

knowing you are following your dreams

that you will be happy

that you will not know

the pain that i bare

although i try hard not to allow myself

you must know

i love you with all of my being

i can not take it any longer

i must say good-bye

for fear will not allow it to be

any other way

Deep Breath

My Savior My God

.

I am not skilled to understand

What God has willed, what God has planned

I only know at his right hand

Stands one who is my savior

.

I take him at his word and deed

Christ died to save me this I read

And in my heart I find a need

For him to be my savior

.

That he would leave his place on high

And come for sinful man to die

You count it strange, so once did I

Before I knew my savior

.

My savior loves, my savior lives

My savior's always there for me

My God he was, my God he is

My God he's always gonna be

.

Yes, living, dying; let me bring

My strength, my solace from this spring

That he who lives to be my king

Once died to be my savior

.

That he would leave his place on high

And come for sinful man to die

You count it strange, so once did

I Before I knew my savior

.

My savior loves, my savior lives

My savior's always there for me

My God he was, My God he is

My God he's always gonna be

.

by: Aaron shust

Heb 7:24-25, Ps 42:11

One Day

One Day I will leave this body
and I will get a perfect one
That day I will see His glory
shining like the noonday sun
One day, I'll take a walk with Jesus
He might explain the mysteries of life
Some say, I just can't believe it
but I know that one day

We will gather at the Crystal Throne
All these years: we're finally home
I can actually see His face
And all I can do is say,

Holy, Holy is the Lord Almighty,
Who was and is and is to come
We lay our crowns before You
Every heart and soul: adore You:
The God of gods, Almighty One

One Day, death will be abolished
And sin will have its mastery no more
And I know that we will be astonished
At all that our Creator has in store
One day we will meet our Savior
And He will give each one of us a stone
Engraved with our names upon it:
known by God alone

We will gather at the Crystal Throne
All these years: we're finally home
I can actually see His face
And all I can do is say,

Holy, Holy is the Lord Almighty,
Who was and is and is to come
We lay our crowns before You
Every heart and soul: adore You:
The God of gods, Almighty One

by Aaron Shust
Rev. 4:8-11, Rev 2:17

My bubble has been popped... ouch!

the hurt and the pain in the world is becoming more and more real to me, more than i can bare sometimes. Its so unfair, so sad. But as i struggle with the crazyness that seem to gather around me, closing in to suficate me... i come to realize more and more that i can not make decisions for those i love to live for God. But i wish i could do something else other than stand by and watch in pain, the self destructive behavior that leads them further from any form of truth and real love? i feel like i could do more to help. i am trying hard to trust God, bc He gave us all free will and we choose willfully which path to take.... to live for God or to go against God, so who am I to think i can make them do anything? it is just so difficult to watch.

this is so odd, i feel weird stating their are absolutes bc the world is so relative. I know there is right and wrong, but i feel so judged when i voice that fact. No one wants to hear they are wrong, but at the same time there are not many people who want to do what is right. who want to activly stand up against the injustice in this world. I am guilty of this as well. I feel lost when it comes to acting upon my outrage bc i struggle with knowing what to do, how to do and sometimes gaining the strength and courage to do what i know i need to do.

what do you do when you are completely heartbroken, but you don't know what to do about it...

i look at the world, i see the drugs and alcohol , the sex and lack of respect for people, the apathy and hypocracy, the lies and hurt and my heart sinks.... i see the same things happening in the lives of my friends, those i love dearly and my heart breaks completely.
how do you find the balance between the hurting of the world and joy of the Lord?

struggling to find balance

"Everything I think about

Makes me feel like a version of myself

They tell, their lies

And we all synchronize

We want, the truth

Give us the absolute

We need, your help

Cause we've got nothing left to lose"