I got a job! even if it is only for a month. its my first temp job. its data entry stuff, nothing exciting, but it is something that will carry me to the next thing.
I really don't want to get trapped into a a job, bc i want to do missions. Hopefully go back to china in 3-5 years.
I guess we'll see what happens... I am going to a church in penn hills this sunday, hoping it will be something solid. I so desprately need fellowship. I sometimes feel like i am drowning in a world of secularism. i don't understand it (the world), and i don't want to join it. I don't want to ride the fence and i don't want to be lukewarm. I want to be a warrior princess for Jesus.
wow, i am getting way off track, my mind is wandering...
... *sigh, i wish i could talk to you...
...why is this so hard for me? Why do i miss you so much? I wish you were here...
Thursday, September 29, 2005
missing people
DY: i gotta say, it was awesome to have u here tuesday, it really isnt hte same iwthout u here, ur just like alway so happy and it always makes me happier to see u, u really brighten up the room, and i wish u were still here
DY: its the truth
DY: i miss u not being here
This makes me feel loved... I miss you too. I am glad we can still talk even though i am not able to be there as much.
I really miss talking to people. sitting down, face to face and talking about anything, everything. I miss helping people with whatever they are struggling with, i miss laughing til my sides hurt and long walks under the stars. I miss the hugs and the smiles, i miss the frusterations and the tears, i miss the sharing joys and praying about the hardships together, i miss the fellowship, the tough love and the true friends who you know are always gonna be there for you. (i know your still there for me, and i am here for you. It is just different when your miles apart though instead of right down the hall)
Will i ever have that again? those late night laugh fests, the heart felt tear talks. WIll i find new friends who genuinely care for me. I miss my friends, a lot. I wish i could have them all here all the time. but thats not how it works. Once graduation day comes, everyone splits up. We're all over the map. I don't want to be come surface level and blend into the world. I long to stand up to for God and fight for what is right.
No matter where we go, how far apart God takes us, I will always love you guys and gals. I will do anything and everything i can think of to be there for you and help you out.
My Friend
by plus one
We are standing at the crossroads
And now it's time
For you to go your way
And me to go mine
I will pray the Lord
Will keep you safe
Until the day I see your face again
[c h o r u s]
My friend
We have been through so much
And you have been my Godsend
With your sure and steady love
My friendYou know I will be there
If you ever need'Cause you've always
Been a friend to me
You may travel the world over
But one thing I know for sure
One day this road will lead me
Back 'round to your door
I will pray the LordWill keep you safe
Some bonds are just too strong
To break in the end
Nothing will change the wayI feel about you
Not the miles or the years
Or the place this life takes me to
"parted by miles but bonded by love"
DY: its the truth
DY: i miss u not being here
This makes me feel loved... I miss you too. I am glad we can still talk even though i am not able to be there as much.
I really miss talking to people. sitting down, face to face and talking about anything, everything. I miss helping people with whatever they are struggling with, i miss laughing til my sides hurt and long walks under the stars. I miss the hugs and the smiles, i miss the frusterations and the tears, i miss the sharing joys and praying about the hardships together, i miss the fellowship, the tough love and the true friends who you know are always gonna be there for you. (i know your still there for me, and i am here for you. It is just different when your miles apart though instead of right down the hall)
Will i ever have that again? those late night laugh fests, the heart felt tear talks. WIll i find new friends who genuinely care for me. I miss my friends, a lot. I wish i could have them all here all the time. but thats not how it works. Once graduation day comes, everyone splits up. We're all over the map. I don't want to be come surface level and blend into the world. I long to stand up to for God and fight for what is right.
No matter where we go, how far apart God takes us, I will always love you guys and gals. I will do anything and everything i can think of to be there for you and help you out.
My Friend
by plus one
We are standing at the crossroads
And now it's time
For you to go your way
And me to go mine
I will pray the Lord
Will keep you safe
Until the day I see your face again
[c h o r u s]
My friend
We have been through so much
And you have been my Godsend
With your sure and steady love
My friendYou know I will be there
If you ever need'Cause you've always
Been a friend to me
You may travel the world over
But one thing I know for sure
One day this road will lead me
Back 'round to your door
I will pray the LordWill keep you safe
Some bonds are just too strong
To break in the end
Nothing will change the wayI feel about you
Not the miles or the years
Or the place this life takes me to
"parted by miles but bonded by love"
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
I am visiting claion today. The China presentation went well last night, at least thats what everyone tells me. I like being here bc it is the only constant i have in my life right now besides God, ofcourse, and living at home, which can get frusterating at times.
I don't have a bible study or accountability, i am looking for a new church and a new job. I hate not having friends that i see everyday. I love college living, community living... i don't think God wanted us to live in our separate houses cut off from eachother. I strongly believe in community, being there for eachother, serving eachother, loving on eachother, supporting eachother through the rough times and rejoicing with eachother through the good times. Everything is better when sharing it with a friend.
Going through the China presentation made me want to go back to china now.
gtg... comp is running out of battery
I don't have a bible study or accountability, i am looking for a new church and a new job. I hate not having friends that i see everyday. I love college living, community living... i don't think God wanted us to live in our separate houses cut off from eachother. I strongly believe in community, being there for eachother, serving eachother, loving on eachother, supporting eachother through the rough times and rejoicing with eachother through the good times. Everything is better when sharing it with a friend.
Going through the China presentation made me want to go back to china now.
gtg... comp is running out of battery
Thursday, September 22, 2005
I love you Jen
not being able to concerntrate can be a good thing... you make me smile! I wish i could fly out to CA and see you! I miss you SOOOOOOOO much! Keep it real chickie. God is where its at.
You rock my world sista! Thank You!
You rock my world sista! Thank You!
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
not so bored now
so much to do in so little time... how do i go from boredom to insane business so quickly????
I have the wedding friday and saturday, GGs 80th birthday party on sunday and i have to put together a power point for tues. and drive to clarion to present it with my girls... i am sure i a missing something...
Atleast it keeps my mind off of not having a job, and i feel productive. until this time next wk i will be extremely busy. I am excited, because i think i may be able to find some money to get to clarion on tuesday. I am excited again.
Thanks to everyone who has really been there for me the past few wks. I really need people in my life right now who are supportive and who just love on me, even when i do get a little nutz. It has really meant a lot to me.
I have the wedding friday and saturday, GGs 80th birthday party on sunday and i have to put together a power point for tues. and drive to clarion to present it with my girls... i am sure i a missing something...
Atleast it keeps my mind off of not having a job, and i feel productive. until this time next wk i will be extremely busy. I am excited, because i think i may be able to find some money to get to clarion on tuesday. I am excited again.
Thanks to everyone who has really been there for me the past few wks. I really need people in my life right now who are supportive and who just love on me, even when i do get a little nutz. It has really meant a lot to me.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Just because I'm patient doesn't mean it's easy
"I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather
Whats the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you
And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all"
~relient K
"Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seem so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land"
~Switchfoot
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I'll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather
Whats the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find it, not in the least bit
and I'm just scared, so scared that I'll fail you
And sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I'm even here at all"
~relient K
"Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
'Cause I feel so defeated
And I'm feeling alone
And it all seem so helpless
And I have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
With nowhere to land"
~Switchfoot
interup....
I wanted to do an end of the week update, but with all of the drama I lost track of time and my sanity. My room is finally almost done. All I have to do is put up my pictures, again. The walls are painted, the closet door is on, the carpet is in and I arranged it just the way I wanted it. So now all I have to do Is hang up my pictures. That is my favorite part. *sigh, it felt like it took forever. I have been working on it since before China! so I finished up all that last wk.
Friday night I got a call from a friend asking me to take her to the ER. So I picked her up and we spent all Friday night and saturday morning at the hospital. She went through many tests to find out that she need to have her gall bladder removed. BUT she couldn't have surgery until monday (today). SO she spent the entire wkend in the hospital. By the way, thanks to all of you who prayed for her. She is doing better and we hope to have her home tomorrow.
I went through some trying events yesterday that I really do not want to get into. and today I was running around getting things for the wedding that is THIS SATURDAY!!!! visiting Jess and hanging out at mels.
I have a long list of things i need to do tomorrow.
I visited the massage therapy school and it was amazing. I am investigating finacial aid and other such money matters. Also I am a little discouraged that they do not have many night classes. I was hoping to take night classes bc most of the jobs i am looking into are 9 to 5 type jobs. Which means i would have to take night classes. We'll see how it goes. I'm looking into other schools, but havn'ty gotten as far as calling yet.
On the brighter side, i did get a few calls today about jobs, although i was not home to recieve them. It will give me something to do tomorrow. Where will will I end up? Only God knows.
.... gtg, a friend IMed me and now I can't concertrate. I'll write more later
Friday night I got a call from a friend asking me to take her to the ER. So I picked her up and we spent all Friday night and saturday morning at the hospital. She went through many tests to find out that she need to have her gall bladder removed. BUT she couldn't have surgery until monday (today). SO she spent the entire wkend in the hospital. By the way, thanks to all of you who prayed for her. She is doing better and we hope to have her home tomorrow.
I went through some trying events yesterday that I really do not want to get into. and today I was running around getting things for the wedding that is THIS SATURDAY!!!! visiting Jess and hanging out at mels.
I have a long list of things i need to do tomorrow.
I visited the massage therapy school and it was amazing. I am investigating finacial aid and other such money matters. Also I am a little discouraged that they do not have many night classes. I was hoping to take night classes bc most of the jobs i am looking into are 9 to 5 type jobs. Which means i would have to take night classes. We'll see how it goes. I'm looking into other schools, but havn'ty gotten as far as calling yet.
On the brighter side, i did get a few calls today about jobs, although i was not home to recieve them. It will give me something to do tomorrow. Where will will I end up? Only God knows.
.... gtg, a friend IMed me and now I can't concertrate. I'll write more later
Sunday, September 18, 2005
AHHH!
Why
i don't undaterstand why he refuses to see things my way, always twisting my words. Always making me feel like i am 2 inches tall. I want out... Lord I need to get out of here... PLease help me.
nothing is ever HIS fault, i am the screw up yet again. Ew how i hate being here. I can't wait for the day whan i am gone.
its not like he'll ever try to see things my way or understand my thinking... i have given up on that long ago.
going to be alone and cry.
Jesus I need your love more than ever now.
i don't undaterstand why he refuses to see things my way, always twisting my words. Always making me feel like i am 2 inches tall. I want out... Lord I need to get out of here... PLease help me.
nothing is ever HIS fault, i am the screw up yet again. Ew how i hate being here. I can't wait for the day whan i am gone.
its not like he'll ever try to see things my way or understand my thinking... i have given up on that long ago.
going to be alone and cry.
Jesus I need your love more than ever now.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Feeling Small
He has a way of making me feel so small
Side note: Here is a little inside information about me and my pet peeves. It urks me to no end when someone or multiple people feel like they have the right, ability, knowledge, whatever to tell me How I feel, what I think and/or how much or little i care about something/someone. It usually just goes to show how little you know me.
I went to my sisters tonight, for other reasons, but we got on the subject of how he reinforces the fact that i am and forever will be a scew up. It is not something I can escape. I have gotten toin the habit of just walking away when he starts to yell, i see no point in yelling back. It just makes us both look like idiots. Why can't i get up the nerve to tell him how I feel? That his type of 'help or 'criticism' is not useful for me. When I saw him today he pretended nothing happened, but it was still bothering me. I don't think it would be so bad if it didn't happen once a week, but its wearing me down. *sigh*
My sister told me to get mad. Not to let him make me feel worthless, but to focus my energy and use it to get stuff done, exercise, research, etc. It sounds construtive. And there are certain times when i can do that, focus my energies, butit is hard with him. It hurts... a lot.
Waiting for discernment
i wrote a poem about this once, i wonder if i can dig it up... i shall try and if i do i'll type it out later
Side note: Here is a little inside information about me and my pet peeves. It urks me to no end when someone or multiple people feel like they have the right, ability, knowledge, whatever to tell me How I feel, what I think and/or how much or little i care about something/someone. It usually just goes to show how little you know me.
I went to my sisters tonight, for other reasons, but we got on the subject of how he reinforces the fact that i am and forever will be a scew up. It is not something I can escape. I have gotten toin the habit of just walking away when he starts to yell, i see no point in yelling back. It just makes us both look like idiots. Why can't i get up the nerve to tell him how I feel? That his type of 'help or 'criticism' is not useful for me. When I saw him today he pretended nothing happened, but it was still bothering me. I don't think it would be so bad if it didn't happen once a week, but its wearing me down. *sigh*
My sister told me to get mad. Not to let him make me feel worthless, but to focus my energy and use it to get stuff done, exercise, research, etc. It sounds construtive. And there are certain times when i can do that, focus my energies, butit is hard with him. It hurts... a lot.
Waiting for discernment
i wrote a poem about this once, i wonder if i can dig it up... i shall try and if i do i'll type it out later
Monday, September 12, 2005
Making a plan
I talked to my sister and aunt last night at my cousins bachlorette party. I know random place to have a life changing conversation. I have been fighting with myself the past month, ever since i got back from China about what to do with my life. It has always been easy for me in the sense that i knew what I was doing next. I may not have always wanted to do it, but i knew what the next step was.
Now i have no idea. The next step has not been mapped out for me. I have no idea what to do. I need to make a plan. Here is a list of things I want to do in the next 5-ish years:
1) brush up on my chinese and Italian
~thanks to mandy I have CDs on chinese to help, and I have some old Italian CDs i bought last summer.
2) go to massage therapy school
~i hope to look into that this week, the same school i checked out 3 years ago. Hoping to start classes in Jan.
3) Get a job
~this is all God, i just have to be patient (hopfully this one is accomplished before the end of the month.
4) get a car
~that won't come into play until i get a job
5) go back to China and teach english. (i am willing to substitute another country if i feel led)
~this will happen near the end of the 5ish years.
6) take some culinary arts classes
~I love to cook, but do not often get the opportunity to do so. and this will help me to explore new, diverse recipes. hoping to take these classes shortly after massage therapy school.
7) find a church and get involved.
~I am acheing to get involved in a church and have some regular fellowship. ASAP!!!
8) get a place of my own.
~it would be hard for me to live by myself, since i have been immersed in community living most of my life. But I can not be a mooch forever... soon it will be time to move on.
9) Read
~i know this may sound simple, but i have not been able to read through an entire book all summer. plus i saw some classic books at B&N today for less than $5!
These are only a few of the goals i can think of right now and They are not in any order, but i would like to accomplish them all in the next 5 years. by the time i am ... dare i say... 28! whoa!
I will be starting my research tomorrow. Lets see what I can do.
Lord, PLEASE grant me strength and motivating. Lead me through Your will.
I have always waited for the next step, its time i actively wait in eager anticipation for You to open my eyes and reveal Your plan for my life to me. I am here Lord and I love You. Help me discern Your desires for this broken little girl.
Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are stronger than mine
Your love is deeper than mine
This is NO SACRIFICE
here's my life
I made the plan, God You make it happen!
I am actually excited now! life is good.
I'll report back soon.
Now i have no idea. The next step has not been mapped out for me. I have no idea what to do. I need to make a plan. Here is a list of things I want to do in the next 5-ish years:
1) brush up on my chinese and Italian
~thanks to mandy I have CDs on chinese to help, and I have some old Italian CDs i bought last summer.
2) go to massage therapy school
~i hope to look into that this week, the same school i checked out 3 years ago. Hoping to start classes in Jan.
3) Get a job
~this is all God, i just have to be patient (hopfully this one is accomplished before the end of the month.
4) get a car
~that won't come into play until i get a job
5) go back to China and teach english. (i am willing to substitute another country if i feel led)
~this will happen near the end of the 5ish years.
6) take some culinary arts classes
~I love to cook, but do not often get the opportunity to do so. and this will help me to explore new, diverse recipes. hoping to take these classes shortly after massage therapy school.
7) find a church and get involved.
~I am acheing to get involved in a church and have some regular fellowship. ASAP!!!
8) get a place of my own.
~it would be hard for me to live by myself, since i have been immersed in community living most of my life. But I can not be a mooch forever... soon it will be time to move on.
9) Read
~i know this may sound simple, but i have not been able to read through an entire book all summer. plus i saw some classic books at B&N today for less than $5!
These are only a few of the goals i can think of right now and They are not in any order, but i would like to accomplish them all in the next 5 years. by the time i am ... dare i say... 28! whoa!
I will be starting my research tomorrow. Lets see what I can do.
Lord, PLEASE grant me strength and motivating. Lead me through Your will.
I have always waited for the next step, its time i actively wait in eager anticipation for You to open my eyes and reveal Your plan for my life to me. I am here Lord and I love You. Help me discern Your desires for this broken little girl.
Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are stronger than mine
Your love is deeper than mine
This is NO SACRIFICE
here's my life
I made the plan, God You make it happen!
I am actually excited now! life is good.
I'll report back soon.
Saturday, September 10, 2005
23
This week was a blast. I got to road trip it up to clarion and stay with some friends. I love all my Clarion peeps. Hey, I just love saying that i have peeps. It was like a breath of fresh air. And I got to see DNA in concert... ON MY BIRTHDAY!!! The best place to be on your birthday is a DNA concert! And Bekey (Bao Li) became a part of OUR family! I fould that out on my birthday as well, how amazing! It has just been a blast!
When i got back to clarion from the concert, which took a while i sat over at becht waiting for JF to let out. While I was there I prayed and wrote a poem, which I am goign to publish here. I have never published any of my poetry before, so we'll see. Gretchen really helped me realize that its ok not to know what you want to do with your life, as long as you are actively waiting for the next step in Gods will. I am trying to be patient. Maybe Ben is right... Should I move to Michigan or perhaps we'll end up in China together?!?! who knows, only God.
From the Heart
These tears they flow up
as frusterations build up
ANGRY with myself
why can't I try harder
to be a better person
to be more intentional
more like Jesus
I need to do more for Jesus
I am so self centered
I am SO broken
I am falling down
face on the ground
humbly calling out
begging You
Forgive me!
please
Sweet Jesus please
I ask of Thee
to take away
this sinful way
and all this shame
thats made its home inside of me
All I need is You
Sweet Jesus
All I want is to
be wrapped up tightly
in Your arms
Loving you forever
I love you Savior
I know that I don't show it
I'm such a failure
Can't help but blow it
And yet You love me
as I fail
You pick me up
brush me off
and encourage me to try again
I don't understand Your love
But i do appreciate it
i don't always accept it
i can't understand You
But I love You too
This life is Yours
I die again today
And yet I live
I give it to You
This life I'm trapped in
I pray
Your Will be done
Your Kingdom come
This life is Yours
the path has been charted
lead me
guide me
I sing praises to You
all day
every day
I lift my voice
as I rejoice
my desire is to be with You
bring me always closer to You
the battle has been won
I know its kind of long... probably not that good, it could probably be 2 different poems... hm, but it is from the heart...
Thank You Jesus for loving me even though i am a failure, even though my life is very uneventful and i don't feel i am doing much for Your kingdom. You love me always. It is hard for me to grasp that fact.
Thank You.
You are my life line, the reason I live.
When i got back to clarion from the concert, which took a while i sat over at becht waiting for JF to let out. While I was there I prayed and wrote a poem, which I am goign to publish here. I have never published any of my poetry before, so we'll see. Gretchen really helped me realize that its ok not to know what you want to do with your life, as long as you are actively waiting for the next step in Gods will. I am trying to be patient. Maybe Ben is right... Should I move to Michigan or perhaps we'll end up in China together?!?! who knows, only God.
From the Heart
These tears they flow up
as frusterations build up
ANGRY with myself
why can't I try harder
to be a better person
to be more intentional
more like Jesus
I need to do more for Jesus
I am so self centered
I am SO broken
I am falling down
face on the ground
humbly calling out
begging You
Forgive me!
please
Sweet Jesus please
I ask of Thee
to take away
this sinful way
and all this shame
thats made its home inside of me
All I need is You
Sweet Jesus
All I want is to
be wrapped up tightly
in Your arms
Loving you forever
I love you Savior
I know that I don't show it
I'm such a failure
Can't help but blow it
And yet You love me
as I fail
You pick me up
brush me off
and encourage me to try again
I don't understand Your love
But i do appreciate it
i don't always accept it
i can't understand You
But I love You too
This life is Yours
I die again today
And yet I live
I give it to You
This life I'm trapped in
I pray
Your Will be done
Your Kingdom come
This life is Yours
the path has been charted
lead me
guide me
I sing praises to You
all day
every day
I lift my voice
as I rejoice
my desire is to be with You
bring me always closer to You
the battle has been won
I know its kind of long... probably not that good, it could probably be 2 different poems... hm, but it is from the heart...
Thank You Jesus for loving me even though i am a failure, even though my life is very uneventful and i don't feel i am doing much for Your kingdom. You love me always. It is hard for me to grasp that fact.
Thank You.
You are my life line, the reason I live.
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