eye brows = love

i just had a fantastic day.
lots to think about though. i think too much. i need to let go of my thought every once in a while and just enjoy life. I think that thinking is a survival mechanism for me. When i am not sure of my surroundings or and not sure whats next or just not sure of whatever... i think and over think things... to day at fellowship we the speaker talked about how we are created to enjoy life... we are made to have life and have life more abundantly. I worry too much about the future, where i am going to live and where i will get money to pay off this loan that came out of no where, or if i will ever get married and who that may be to if i ever do...
i mean i think too often and too much about why anybody would ever want me... i mean all of me... i am afraid all i will get is they type of guy who tells me he loves me after talking to me once... not knowing my mind or my heart, only his desire to have a wife. I don't want to be someones here and now. I want to be the girl that he can not live with out. I want to be the girl that he can't got a day without thinking about. I want to me the girl that he is totally and completely in love with and devoted to... i fear i may never be that girl. i fear i will always be the rebound girl, 2nd best or 3rd or 4th best... will anybody every truly want me?
i think about the kids i so long to have, or if i will ever be near my family again, and if so do i have a purpose there?

I feel like i am thriving here, not just surviving day by day like i was in pittsburgh. I feel like i have a purpose here, and i feel like i am growing. I am being stretched in ways i could not have comprehended before this adventure. I am sure He has much more to teach me. Sometimes i get painfully lonely and i wonder why. I have the one who loves me best, and yet it does not satisfy me fully. i feel ashamed for that...
so many thoughts...
i am contemplating finishing out my education degree... something i need to look into more. I have been talking to some of the other teachers here, and it sounds like i could take some online classes to get my teaching certificate. I am not sure if it will be elementary ed or just early childhood. I might want to teach high school... throwing the idea around...
I don't need a teaching degree to teach at big apple, but in case i want to travel more and teach elsewhere... who knows...
I am also thinking of nursing, 2 year course @ st. margrets back home and i can be an RN. There is a lot i can do with that too... i have always been interested in first aid, not medicines though... maybe become a wholistic nurse. Travel around the world...
I have also tossed around the idea of being an Au pair/Nanny for families in Italy.

Life seems so up in the air.... 'trust and obey, there is no other way to be happy in Jesus than to trust and obey.'

oh, your prob wondering what the eye brow thing means...
at fellowship this morning, we were told that we were meant to enjoy life. eye brows were put there to help us enjoy life. they are not a needed thing to survive, also the esophagus sphincter... that is not needed either, just something we were given to enjoy life more....

ok, praising for the amazing things we are blessed with...

i am singing again and Zoryah is teaching me to dance!!!!
I am losing weight! i am still bigger than all the chinese, i don't ever plan to be that thin, i don't have the bone structure for it... but i am doing better. slow and steady, so it will stay off.
not i need to get regular on my workouts...

this is a blog of my ramblings... i need somewhere to put them... sigh
God is SO good.

can't sleep

so i am having trouble sleeping. it is about 1:30 am in china now. i have been thinking how the people you know become the people you knew... how fun traditions become fond memories... how people grow and change and leave and forget.
sadness filled my heart tonight when a friend of mine pretty much told me that life with separate us at some point so be ready for it... it makes me want to stop our friendship now... why try to build something now when you know you are going to lose them later because they dont care to try to stay friends? they dont care to work at friendship.
it just bothers me and makes me wonder of other friends from back home want to forget about me... is everyone moving one and moving away? does anyone care to ave deep friendships that are worth fighting for... change hurts so much, but i feel like it is time to let go of certain things... and people who are unwilling to try. Its not like i am around to take walks and talk to and have good one on one time, i am a million miles away and i can't be there to shake people and be there when they want me... and since i can not be want they want me to be any longer i am no longer wanted in their lives... the truth hurts... a bit of my heart was ripped out today, i am not gonna lie. This is harder than i ever imagined.

going to cry myself to sleep.

lier lier pants on fire!

this has been the first time since arriving that i have been angry, true anger. I can take a lot. If some thing upsets me i can usually let it roll. I am chill about most things, but when someone i trust blatantly and forcefully lies to me, that's when i have trouble controlling my anger. I cried on my way to school today, and in the office. I was so upset, that i could be lied to so strongly by someone i felt was so close. I don't want to be angry, it don't like it.
Chuck gave me good advice. I can choose to shut the person out, i can choose to be angry with them, OR i can forgive them, EVEN if they choose to continue lying to me. I think this will be hard for me. But my trust level has plummeted. My instincts are to have my guard up from now on.

Is there anybody out there who won't hurt me? Is there anyone out there who is good at communication? Who can talk things through when things get bad? i have a hard time finding it here. I am yarping for peace and love towards those i am angry at right now.

I think i have had too much community time, i need to get away by myself for a bit. I need me time.

so life is kinda crazy. but i love china and i love the family here.

My mind is on him...

I am having a rough time being single right now.
Weird i know.
I thought coming to china would make it easier because i have a focus and a purpose. But it is much MUCH harder. not because there is someone i am into, not because i am lonely... i don't really know why. I just know i really really want to have someone in my life that loves me fully for me. someone to hold and wants to hold me back, someone to take care of, some one to share my life with and someone who wants to be with me til the end. i know that person may never come. it's a sad thought, but my desire grows stronger, so i have to keep hope alive that he is out there somewhere. waiting, searching and wanting me too.
Until then, all i can do is preoccupy myself with other things to try to take my mind of it, which is currently not working. But it's all i know to do right now.
*sigh*

2 weeks in...

We have been in China for 2 weeks, it seems like we have been here longer. I feel like we fit right in... well, as best as foreigners can fit. It has been an amazing adventure so far. We have met so many wonderful people and explored some interesting parts of the city. I have walked miles and biked miles. We have gotten our apartment together. And i have taught... just a little bit. I am less nervous now, but still a little. This will be a fun and interesting year. I could not have do this on my own. I am so grateful to have mandy here with me. I think any big move is difficult by yourself. I worry sometimes about moving home or to Italy, because it will most likely be all me. I do not like living by myself so much. I LOVE community and have people around all the time. I don't know how this will look after this year, but i know there is already a plan set into place. For now i am focusing on this year and what needs to get done. Maybe in the spring i will be more anxius...? the future is so uncertain.

view me elsewhwere...

check out my other blog.... i will be doing most of my posts there while i am out of the country...

www.http://www.kristaoverseas@blogspot.com