Friday night FUEL

I am such a jerk. So many people have is far worse that me and yet i am negative? that's not right. I am told that its ok to feel the way i feel, but i do not thinkit is ok. I thinki should be living in the joy of God and to a very small degree i have, but i need to not be so negative when things get so hard and negative around me... something to work on. Steve had a near death experience and he was the most joyful person there. I want so much to resonate Gods Joy and finally live up to my name. ;o)

Anyway, i went to fuel friday night. We talked @ fuel about where our joy comes from. I have not had much lately and i have been fully aware of it and completely hated that fact, but had no idea how to get it back. Does that make sense? I felt like i was inside a robot. I knew what was going on around me, but i could not change how i felt a bout it. I don't know if there is an adaquate way to explain it. Here are some verses steve used during his talk...

Romans 7:18
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

Galations 5:16-17
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want

James 1:17
good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows

Philipians 4:6-8
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

What do you think about this...
Our greatest role as Christians is to meditate (recieve and spread), celebrate and pursue goodness.

We also talked about hot to full recive what God has for us. to be able to do that we need to be fully aware of our sinfulness. We have to be willing to be open about our sin and confess and repent of it. A friend of mine told me once that if we dwell on our sins it is like crucifying christ all over again. He died already for our sins. Don't dwell on the sin, be aware you are a sinner and thank and praise God for dying for your sins.

There will always be horrible things going on in this world, but i think if we can still see hope and beauty and love we will have joy.

A friend of mine used to say 'Don't feel your way into acting, act you way into feeling'... meaning don't let you feeling take over you life, act happy and think of happy thinga and you will become happy.

time to go... more later... :o)

God Talk

I called a friend last night just to hear him talk about God. He is very passionate about God, always has been and continues to grow in his faith. He is one of my favorite people ever. I love listening to him talk about God… Scripture he’s read and pondered, church sermons he’s heard, books he’s read or just what God is doing in his own life. I am lacking Christian community and I hate it. I miss college when we all lived in the same building and could see people anytime. Now I drive anywhere from 45-90 minutes to find a few people to hang out with, not necessarily to share about God, just to feel human and included in the human race. I don’t like how we have evolved as far as living as individuals, and yet I contradict myself by wanting to get an apt and move out of my parents place (finally). Right now I am very hungry for God. I will sit and listen to anyone who has anything valid to say. I am excited to hang out with some fuelers tonight, should be some good conversation. A lot of them are very couples focused right now, I don’t see that happening to me for quite some time. My mom was 27 when she met and married my dad so I am not worried, I have a while.

I have 5 tests this wkend… yuck. I am not looking forward to school this wkend at all… I am thinking about whether I can do another year of these wkend classes, it’s really hard right now with everything else going on… I guess we’ll see what happens. Until then taking it all to God in prayer.
Well I best be going…. So much to do and so little time… God Bless ;o)

More Positive ramblings

As i drove in this mornign i had this overwhelming feeling of satisfaction. I love the drive to work, i love the new building, i love my desk and i love what i do. Yesterday was insanely crazy, but you'll have that with anything you still with for a period of time. Everything we go through in life will have its rough spots, as long as the desire is there and we have the strength to keep pushing we'll get through it. Support of loved ones helps a lot as well. I have been focusing on the people not supporting me instead of those who have been... i am going to switch myfocus and focus on those who have been there for me. I have this really annoying habit of wantin to be friends with everyone and wanting everryone to be friends, i know this is an impossible feat, but how cool would that be if everyone could see eachother and enjoy their differnces instead of separating them selfves bc of the differnced.... i don't know... i think everybody wants to be known. Everyobody wants to share part of themselves. I mean think about it, there are so many online journals in which people share their lives. Some share more than others, but the purpose is for people to read it and to have some insight into their life. The danger in that lies when people make assumptions. The written word can be open to interpretation, but when you are talkingto someone their tone and body language can narrow down the meaning. I am a BIG fan of one on ones and group interations... hangin out with friends. Obviously i am also an online journaler as well... it's a little insight into my life, take it as you will.

Lunch is almost over... time to get back to work ;o)

Long day

Today was a really crapy day. i barely got any sleep last night then i got woken up by my sister who woke up 2 hrs b4 i had to be up. then it was one thing after another at work... everything going worng, given work w/o all the information i needed to properly complete it. I got pen ink on my new shirt and i have been feeling really sick lately. I have 2 dr.s appointments next wk, shooting for 3... we'll see. Apparently there could be some thigns going on in me that are genetic, soo not i have to get checked out for all these things. I hate with a deep passion medical tests.

anyway, I started bringing a journal to work with me. So many things go through my head during the day that i can't hold onto bc of all the craziness throughout the day. I have been really distracted lately and lonely. I know i am still young and time to find prince charming, heck mom was 27 when she met and married dad... but it doesn't mean the wait is any easier.

I feel like I'm changing against my will, whether i like it or not. I can't stop what's going on in my head or my heart. I feel a loss of controland i can't seem to get a grip. When I feel overwhelmed or trapped (which has been a lot lately) i just want to run, get away and breathe. I feel like there is a battle ragiung in my head that can neither influence nor win.

I am told this is normal for a person in my circumstances, but i don't want to feel/be this way. it's so depressing. I just want my joy back, my laid back playful side... i want it back, but i can't seem to let go of this hurt. *sigh*

I guess the only thing to do now is look forward and keep chuggin along, looking towards and hoping for a better time. I don't understand life right now, so i just have to trust that God is doing something beyond my view. I am getting tire... 11pm and i am read y to crash... it has really been a long day.

thats all for now.

I miss rambling

So it has been a few months since I have written. And i am pretty scattered so i am not claiming to make any sense. But i miss writing so here we go...

The job has moved to Cranberry and I am looking for an apt. up this way. Hopefully I’ll have one by the end of may. Lizzy passed away April 12th and it hurts. This is the first time my heart has ever been broken. I feel like someone tore my heart out, ripped it to pieces, threw it on the floor and stomped all over it.

I don’t want to talk about that right now… I know it’s not good to avoid issues, but I havn’t been able to bring myself to talk about it or whats going on in my head bc of it.

Mandy and I dorve to Niagra falls and back on Saturday. SUPER fun. I had never been (maybe when I was 3, but that doesn’t count bc I don’t remember it.)
It was nice to get away and take a trip with a good friend. I love road trips.
I have also been trying to figure out my faith, which is as solid as a rock, but chages like the tide... if that makes any sense.

Lately I have just wanted to die, but obvious that’s not in Gods plan now. So I truck on. I spent last week trying to run away from everyone and everything I know… but I feel like I am strapped on the end of a bungee cord and it has maxed out…. So I am flying back, but not with out some scraps and bruises. I am never sorry for any experience bc I truly believe that nothing is a waste if it adds to the person you are becoming.

What do I know though… my mind as been so scrambled the past month, I just ramble on…

One of my favorite songs resonates in my head ‘Hear My Tears’, bc that is all I can do. I want so much to Do Gods will. I have been thinking more and more of going back to China to teach. I will have to wait until school is over, but we will see where I am then… till then I appreciate all prayers. I am lacking community here… maybe I will find some when I get my place up in cranberry… again time will tell. The future is a rather frightening thing.

So for now I wait on God. ‘Be still and know I am God’

time to go... i'll do some more rambling later.