i am not sure where this entry will end up... i have so many thoughts racing around in my head. I am going to start off with: romantic relationships tend to urk me. so many people get into them bc its the thing to do and no one wants to be alone and blah blah blah.... they make me want to hurl sometimes.... plus i lose friends. especially my guy friends. not that they get too wrapped up in their girlfriends (although that can be a problem). its more that i feel i can no longer be myself around them, i have to be careful not to offend their 'better half'.
i was out with some of the girls tonight and honestly i get a little tired of talking about boys. a few of the girls are in their mid to late 20s and feel as though they will self combust (or something) if they don't find someone soon... then i have other friends in their late 20s early 30s who are so focused on God that the whole guy thing is out of their relm of thinking.... for the most part. thats how i want to be, so focused on God that if/when He decides i am ready for prince charming i am there, actively waiting. But if I never meet anyone its ok too, i am not dwelling and pining for something that is not meant to be.
i wish everyone could look at everyone else as brothers and sisters, encouraging and uplifting eachother to reach their goals and make their dreams come true... instead of seeing each other as potential marrage material or even worse, Mr/Mrs right now... someone, anyone who makes them feel good at the moment.
for the first time in my life i can see myself becoming a career woman and not being a house wife... ever. i mean its not totally out of the question, but i do not think it is a staple in my life goals. Plus I have HUGE doubts that anyone would ever actually want to be with me til death do us part. I can be quite difficult.
from there i will go into self worth. i am secure in Christ, but once you place me in the 'real world' i lose that confidence a little. If i did not have God i would be a mess. the standards for a beautiful woman in america are *thin *good skin *tame hair (usually straight) *white teeth *practically hairless and those are just the name a few... and out of that list i fail them all... I am a big girl with acne and frizzy hair, bc my ansestors were italian i am also hairy and i have never bleeched my teeth which are not so perfectly white. I meet non of the standards... will anyone ever find me atractive? i doubt it.
i do however, fit in perfectly with Jesus Christ. He loved the outcasts and befriended the lowly and akward. "I am a sinner saved by grace and thats all that i could ever hope to be", "by the grace of God I am who I am"
and who am I? I am someone head over heals inlove with Christ, here on earth to serve.... YOU!
I am nothing, this world has, could and will someday survive without me. I only hope to be in the will of Christ with every step I take. If that means I never meet someone, so be it. Jesus is more important to me than my selfish, to have someone.
Christ my life is Yours, YOu know that... Whatever happens, I pray it is what You desire, not me. BC my desires are of the world and Yours are above the world.
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2 comments:
I won't try and pretend that I know who you're talking about, but if it's any consolation - you can be yourself all you want around Pat. I don't see how anything you do to him would offend me ... though, if it's sneaky ... I want in on it! My loyality will always be to the girls. And if he doesn't talk to you on IM or something - feel free to yell at him! Cause he needs to not be changing his life just because I'm back in it.
As far as self-worth, I think that everyone has those fears and insecurities. The longer I work in sales the less attractive that I think I am, but I've also come to see that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes - and the most beautiful people that I see at Old Navy are those that have wonderful personalities and are open to being nice me as I help them find thier size, style, etc. The people that are cold and mean - there's where I don't see beauty. And yes, those are mental things, but it shows in the physical as well.
And ... I think that's all I've got. Oh - I'm gonna start reading "Blue Like Jazz" this weekend! Yay!
thanks, it wasn't you. But i am glad to know where you stand. Pat has been an amazinv friend and I would be very hurt if we stopped being friends due to a dating situation, but i dont see that happening.
You will Love the book! the girl who sang at teh coffee house last night brought it out and talked about it... she wrtoe a song from a part of it. I was so excited! lol, DM is an amazing writer.
PS DNA may be playing @ genevea on the 19th if you are free and wanna go that'd be great... i don't think i have ur cell #. i'll try to get it off kristi.
thanks again hun. luv ya
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